The Day We Met You

As parents, we all have fond memories of the day our children were born.  But many adoptive parents have a second memory to cherish--the day they met their children.  Adoptive families are created in many ways, but for us and for the community of friends we have, open agency adoption was the method we used.  We were chosen to be Sabrina's parents by her birth mother K. about 6 weeks before she was born.  As we created our plan for her birth and contact beyond, K. offered to bring us into the delivery room with her to experience the event and to be the first to hold her.  (I can't say enough the respect, admiration, and love we have for this amazing woman.  She gave us something no one else on the planet could have, and did so with love for Sabrina at the forefront of her decision.)  Timing, never one of Sabrina's strong points, was not on our side as we got the call that "It's time!" two days early at 9 PM and we couldn't leave until the next morning.  Even if we left for L.A. immediately, the entire thing was over in about 2 hours anyway, so there's no way we would have made it.  Add to that our nightmare drive and we didn't get to the hospital until that afternoon.
So we met our girl when she was about 18 hours old on April 19th, 2009.  Today is our "3rd Anniversary" of becoming a family.  Our relationship with K. is still very strong (she loved yesterday's bouncy house video) and though she will always have that sadness inside her, she tells us it's balanced by the happiness she has for us and Sabrina.  Adoption is joyful, sad, fulfilling, and bittersweet all at the same time.  Adoptive parents and birth parents both experience the full gambit of these emotions at one point or another.  Today we concentrate on joy, and are grateful for K. and for those who helped us along the way.  Today reminds us of how lucky we are.

(The fact that I'm typing this as our carpets and furniture are being professionally cleaned reminds us that we also adopted messiness, but hey, you get the whole package.)

This or That?

With the text of our "Dear Birthmother" letter approved, it's time to work on pictures.  I've uploaded a bunch to a sharing site and we'll discuss them with our adoption agency sometime later this week.  The most important one is the "Main Profile Pic" which will grace the cover of our letter.  Here is the one we used last time, after I don't know how many tries...

Nice, but what's my left hand doing?

We've narrowed our personal choice down to two photos.  Please weigh in with your comments on which one you think you'd like better, with the mindset that you are a birth mother looking for a family to potentially place your as yet unborn child with.  Why do you like one better than the other?

Picture 1

Picture 2

*Pictures taken by our good friend John Morey from John Morey Photography.

A Weekend of 2's

We had two important milestones this weekend, both having to do with, well, two.

Those of you who have been with me for a while may remember a post from April 18, 2009. The day our lives changed forever, the day our sweet Sabrina was born. She officially turned two today, Saturday's party not withstanding, which means we've woken up for 730 days in a row believing today was the day we loved her the most and being wrong when we in fact somehow loved her more the next day, as impossible as that seems. She really did have a blast over these last three days, and enjoyed every minute of it. From the party on Saturday, to playing with all the new toys Sunday, and spending today riding the train at the Railroad Park with Daddy, she was laughing the whole way through. (The last few "one parent" days have been "Papa Days" as Gregg took off on times when I was out of town for work. So today I got to have a "Daddy Day" of my own!) 

Our other "two" milestone is that after the Railroad Park and a quick visit to Grandma's house, I met Gregg downtown at the adoption agency office to get fingerprinted and start the ball rolling on our home study for adoption number two.  Gregg has always wanted two children, while I had to come to terms with it.  I was happy in the "one and done" club.  But I know in the end, that's what's best for Sabrina and for our family.  Still, I come to this decision with mixed emotions.

Honestly, when Project Baby started back in March of 2008, as much as I wanted a child I thought we were about to give up a lot of money, a lot of time, and a lot of emotions, and in the end remain childless.  Call me pessimistic, but it kept nagging at me that "You're gay, this is Arizona, they're not going to allow you to have a child".  Of course, I had not yet been introduced to the Gay Parent "scene" at that point.  The journey has been fantastic, and I consider myself sort of an advocate for adoption in general and same sex parenting specifically.  Then the wonderful day two years ago when Sabrina came into the world.

That day, as joyous as it was, came as a bittersweet time.  For as in all adoptions, the happiness we gained as our family grew came at the cost of grief as a mother went home without her child.  Sometimes I still get stuck on that thought.  I know that one sentence is not really a fair statement as it has volumes of thought, emotion, and decision making propping it up.  The feelings of a mother considering what to do; weighing her options, being fair to her other children, loving her unborn baby.  Investigating avenues, reaching out and trusting strangers--almost blindly.  And finally--going home, leaving the hospital, but not with the child she carried for nine months.  If you've not experienced that day, signing a paper and becoming a parent, it teeters between pure joy and extreme sadness.  It affected me deeply.

We pushed gently on a mother who decided on no contact, happily reaching a point in the first few days where picture exchanges were permitted, and working up to a reunion visit ten months later when we were back in California to finalize the adoption in court.  Our email contact is sporadic; mostly me sending pictures back there, but I have to respect the comfort level.  It's possible there may be a trip out here to Arizona over the summer, so I'm hoping for that but have decided to stop pushing it.  (I noticed myself mentioning it in almost all of my emails.)

I've also become aware of an anti adoption movement on the Internet, made up of mostly (from what I can tell) people who were either adopted years ago before open adoption became the norm or birth mothers who were coerced back in those times to give up their babies due to societal or familial pressures.  This blog was targeted by those individuals who left hateful comments towards me and my family as profiting over the deeply personal loss of birth mothers by adult adoptees bitter about their circumstances.  I realized we were talking about circumstances from two different worlds, but I read some of those blogs, and it's hard not to be affected by what they say, even as I know their situations are so different from ours.

So I'm letting myself, carefully, allow the joy of another baby creep into my psyche.  I know that without a personal connection and trust of a future birth mother I will not be able to allow myself to feel comfortable about a match with her.  The good thing is Gregg and I both want to find someone as great as Sabrina's birth mom, so I know unless the understanding is there between the three of us we'll just keep searching.  I tend to have thick skin when it comes to myself, but get hung up thinking about the pain of others.  I'll have to remember why we're all doing what we're doing and making the decisions we're making as we move through the process.  When we make the connection that it's really about the child, I'll know it's right.

In the future I'll look deep into a newborn baby's eyes, know it's right and think, if this is so great for all involved, why did this kid just throw up all over my shoes?

Hamming it up with my new water and sand table from Grandpa and Grandma

In Which I Answer Your Questions

Now we talk about my favorite subject...Me!  Here are the answers to the questions you've asked me in a post last week...

Any tips for caring for African hair? We are in the process of adopting an African baby girl and feel helpless when it comes to the African hair!  OK let me say this...this can be a difficult subject to deal with in an interracial family.  Both  mothers-in-law have added their two cents to the hair topic.  The topic of hair has been one that has caused some tension in the family, and I'm not even comfortable going into that here.  I'm by no means an expert on this subject and am still learning.  Gregg obviously has experiance, but mostly with men's hair.  Suffice it to say you need to do your research.  A good ethnic salon, or even advice from African American friends will be helpful.  We like to use products from Carol's Daughter as we've found they are very easy on her hair. 

Do you ever make it down to the much cooler Tucson?  Sometimes.  We have friends down there.  We often meet up with them and then head down to Tubac for some great shopping.  I'll let you know next time we make a trip.

In view of the coming movie, Jacob or Edward?  Neither.  I'm a bit of a vampire nerd.  As a kid I actually read Fangoria magazine.  My parents wouldn't let me send them $12 for two actual vampire fangs.  It's Fangoria if anyone has authentic vampire relics it's them!  My tween neices love Twilight which is a red flag.  Apparently it's about Mormon vegetarian vampires or something?  We have the DVD, I haven't watched it.  For me, Eric from True Blood and the vampire Lestat.

You're a gay male couple with a baby daughter.  Do people ever ask things like "What are you going to do with a girl?  Will she know any women?  Are you worried about role models?"  For some reason, men seem to worry about this more then women do.  I'm working on a variant of my "I"m more man then you'll ever be and more woman then you'll ever have" response.  But no, we're not worried.  We're gay men but we don't live in a vaccuum.  There are plenty of female role models among our friends and family.  It's funny, no one ever asks this of a single mom with a young son do they?  I haven't been approached by a stranger on this one yet, but I'd tell them it's none of their business.  And I give them such a look.

Have you found it harder or easier than you thought to be two dads?  Not as hard as I thought.  And we're in very white, very Mormon, Mesa Arizona.  We've gotten a few tisk tisk looks, but for the most part things have been great.  In fact, sometimes I think our curiosity factor makes us more popular.  And we have a great support group of other gay families we've met via blogging and the local gay dad's group.

Blue pill or red pill?  I have no idea what this means.  So my answer is if blue, Sapphire gin martini, up and dirty, and if red, a quality Malbec.

Do you, Gregg, and Sabrina ever plan to make a trip to Florida?  Not right now.  Florida is so anti gay I'm not sure I'd want to spend much money down there.  But for the Belly girls I'd make an exception! 

Why or what made you decide to start blogging?  We were excited to start our journey to adoption and didn't know anyone who'd done it before.  I also wanted to chronicle our experience for our families to follow.  I'm so glad for all the new friends I made along the way.

When are you and Gregg going to get married?  Ah the million dollar question!  Right now the answer is, we don't.  I remember back in 1997 while living in West Hollywood I came back to AZ for Thanksgiving while Gregg moved into my apartment.  When I returned, he took me in his arms and asked me to marry him.  Ah romance!  We've since decided we won't do that until it's legal and recognized in all 50 something states.  Since we don't live in a state that recognizes it, we just don't see the point.  I think it would be more depressing than anything else.

How did you decide what your child would call you?  Good question, we had to think about it a bit, but we came back to Daddy (me) and Papa (Gregg).  Papa was kind of a nickname Gregg's friends called him back in the day, and well I just wanted Daddy.  I've heard of some couples who used the traditional names from their ethinc backgrounds and that's sort of interesting too.  There are lots of variations, but you just have to go with what works for you.  The names don't matter as much as the love anyway, right?

If you could only watch one TV show for the rest of your life what would it be? Same question, but what book? And again, but what movie?  Tough one.  I'll say TV is Dexter, book is Dracula, and movie is a tie between Jaws, Sunset Blvd, Casablanca, and The Godfather.

Are you on Facebook?  Yes.  LOL does that answer it?

Will you adopt again?  I was hoping no one would ask that!  If you asked Gregg you'd get an emphatic yes, while I say probably.  This wouldn't start until next year, finances willing.

Did you proceed open adoption or do you know the mother of your daughter?  Yes, our adoption is completely open and we have a relationship with her birth mother.  Lately I think she's backing off a little, but that's her choice.  You can read about our reunion in March here.

Thanks for the questions, this was fun.  Now I'm off to google up a back issue of Fangoria!

Everything Will Bring a Chain of Love..

Apparently I'm a week behind in blogging.  We've been back from California for a week now and I still have not unpacked my suitcase.  I should write a post about my procrastination problem, but that can wait for another day...

Our reunion with Sabrina's birth family was incredible.  There was a little trepidation on our part at first, because the original plan was to meet at a restaurant in Long Beach.  About a week before we left, "Lucy" (*not her real name) emailed us and said her mother wanted to make lunch for us at her place.  We were a little leary about this sudden change in plans, but we talked about it and decided that she had such trust in us, and made such a leap of faith by chosing us to parent her baby, that we needed to repay that trust back.  So on Saturday, we left our hotel in Old Town Pasadena and headed down to her home about a half an hour away.

We did not know what to expect as we had only met Lucy at the hospital when Sabrina was born.  I was not sure if there would be tears (I thought I would be emotional!), laughter, tension, or what, but I knew I was being silly.  We have a great relationship with Lucy and I mentioned to Gregg that I thought she would be more nervous then we were.  When we got there, she came out onto the front porch as we unloaded the car, and right away I knew this would be a good visit.  I saw a woman with a big smile on her face, just looking so happy.  When we got up to the door, she hugged us both but didn't take Sabrina from my arms.  We walked in and her mom was in her room still getting ready.  Lucy's two girls, 8 years old and 20 month old were sitting there waiting.  The older girl had a big smile on her face; the younger one looked a little unsure of us.  I could tell the older girl took good care of her sister.  When I put Sabrina down, she crawled right over to the kids.  The older girl gave her a big hug.  She turned to her sister and said "It's OK you can play with her, she's our sister".  I admit seeing the first meeting of the sisters made me a little misty.  It took Lucy a bit to pick her up, but when she did my gosh what a smile came on to her face!  Sabrina was in her happy mood (as usual!) and put everyone at ease.  After about a minute, we were all laughing like a big family.  I tried to get Sabrina to give out the gifts we brought for Lucy and the girls, but I guess we forgot to tell her that whole thing about being better to give then receive so I did it myself.

When we met Lucy's mother, we were at ease right away.  She is the kind of person that lights up a room.  We got big hugs, and she adored the baby.  She was able to make us feel so welcome in her home immediately.  And what a feast!  She's a fantastic cook, making a huge lunch of seafood jumbalaya and all the trimmings.  The best part of the entire day was at a point when the adults were sitting around the table talking, and the girls had moved into another room.  We could hear squeals of laughter from the three of them and that just made my heart sing.  We took tons of pictures.  We ended up staying there for over four hours, just laughing and talking.  We're so glad we ended up in her home, where we could all talk and the girls could get acquainted.  Lucy's mother told me her heart was at rest after meeting us and seeing how we interacted with and loved her granddaughter.  I told her our family had grown some more that day.  We received a warm and wonderful email from her the next day.  I think we are all looking forward to our next meeting.  Open adoption is truly a wonderful thing.

Happy Thanksgiving

My first attempt at pig tails!

I'm sure I'm the umpteenth parent today to post about how grateful I am for my baby, and I am.  Gregg and I love her to death; she's the best thing to ever happen to us.  I'm thankful for him as well, for being my best friend and my soulmate.  Those things go without saying.  So my post today is really for Sabrina's birthmother.

For you, I can't begin to say how I feel about what you've done.  You have made a decision that has changed the lives of all of us forever.  I cannot begin to understand how you came to that decision, but I am thankful you did.  You have given us a gift that no one else could, made our family whole by giving us Sabrina.  She is the light of our lives and the focus of everything we do from now on.  She's like a magical being come to live with us, sharing her love and laughter and being loved back by us and our families.  I can't describe how much I'm in love with her, and I know Gregg feels the same.  For this, we can never thank you enough.  For me, you will always be the first thought of my Thanksgiving.

Also, I'm thankful for pasta.  I love pasta.
Oh and DVR's.  Aren't they great?

Happy 1/2 Birthday Chipmunk!

It's so strange to write a post wishing Sabrina a Happy 6 Month's Birthday.  In some ways I still can't even believe we have a baby, let alone one that turned half a year old today.  I guess when you resign yourself to the fact that you'll never have a child and then carry that with you for 20 years it becomes ingrained.  Even as we prepared and completed the 11 month process of being cleared for adoption, in the back of my mind something was telling me we were going to waste a whole lot of money on this, remain childless, and then move on.  The three week match and month long wait for her arrival was surreal.  I hate to say this because I've heard it thousands of times before from other parents, but I honestly was not prepared for the total love I feel for that kid.  Especially now, when she's so interactive, inquisitive, and playful.  All she does is laugh and talk her baby language all day; crying is a rarity.  Even day care asked, "Does she ever stop talking?".  I told Gregg today as we were playing with her on the bed, I never thought it would be like this.  She is the most amazing, wonderful thing ever to happen to us and she makes my heart explode when I see her.  I thank her incredible birth mother every night, and can't wait to see her next month and show her the bundle of love she gave us.  Here are some pics of the last few days.  Happy (Half) Birthday Little Girl!

Practicing Karate With Papa

Using the "Big Girl" Part of the Stroller...No Infant Seat!

Cool New PJ's With a Stylin' Cap

Getting Ready for Her First Halloween

Laughing While Sitting Makes You Fall Down!

Those Three Daddies

This is what you look like when you spent all morning dock diving, swimming, playing ball and Frisbee, and "chasing tail" at Cosmo Park. It's five hours later and they've barely moved. Yay exercise!

We've talked a lot, and other open adoption blogs have talked a lot, about Birth Mothers. But what about da baby daddy? Birth Fathers are part of the story too. I'll talk about our daughter to be's Birth Father here a little bit. At the moment, he is out of the picture and Lucy does not know where he is. The IAC has investigated all of the addresses she has given them, but no luck. Therefore, he will not be able to sign relinquishment papers giving up his parental rights. Even if he did respond, (in California anyway) he'd still have to meet with the IAC to sign, which is unlikely to happen. Since the agency has worked with Lucy to do their due diligence on locating him and they cannot, his rights will be terminated in court as "failure to locate". Of course we have to hire a lawyer to do this, but it has to be done. I wish it didn't; I wish he could participate in the process like Lucy, and see what the future holds for his unborn daughter. But I guess if he doesn't care enough to stick around to help her mother give birth or be a supportive parent, well, that says a lot. My gut tells me he's aware of what's happening and just doesn't want to deal with it, so no response is his method of choice. Still, wouldn't it be nice to meet the people who are going to raise your daughter as their own?

It's A Match!

I can't believe I'm blogging this...but I am. We are matching! I don't know how or why, but the situation closest to perfect has dropped from the sky and landed in our living room. The woman we were emailing yesterday has picked us. She actually picked us before we even spoke to her, she's that sure. I still don't want to give to many details out of respect for her, but I think I can give you a general outline of the situation. First, there are no drug, alcohol, or smoking issues at all. Second, she is mature, 29 years old, and sounds educated. Next, she had her family members involved in making her decision and they back her all the way. She has full medical coverage, and is adamant that we are going to be the fathers of her baby. She had already made an adoption plan with a family friend that fell through, and so she called the IAC. They sent her a pack of 50 letters, and she said ours caught her eye right away. Ugh how many posts did I do on that letter and the turmoil that went into it! The rewrites, the picture selections, printing it, ugh how I grew to hate that letter and everything around it...that wonderful, glorious letter that caught her eye! She said they kept grabbing other ones but still kept coming back to ours. They all talked it over and decided it was meant to be us. She said she wanted her baby to be surrounded by diversity and she could see how diverse our family was. She wanted lots of kids around and loved the pictures of our neices and nephews. She said we looked fun, and really liked our picture.

She lives in Los Angeles, a quick 4 1/2 hour drive from here, and California is the "Golden State" for gay adoptive parents. Even though we live in Arizona, they will allow us to come back in six months and finalize the adoption there, which will result in a birth certificate with mine and Gregg's names both on it! Full adoption for both of us! Arizona would only do one of us, and the other would have no more rights then a family friend.

When I told her we'd be happy to come out next week, she kind of laughed. She was like, you can do whatever you want, but you're not getting it, I'm picking you guys, it's already decided. We clicked on the phone and had a great conversation. We really felt good during and after the call.

Here's the kicker...she's due in the next four weeks or so! Ouch that is going to go fast! And it is....Drum Roll...Taa Daa...a GIRL! Thankfully the nursery is almost done. She actually apologized for not being able to give more notice!

Right now we're both on cloud nine. We've only been technically waiting three weeks, we're going to officially match with the IAC on Monday, and should have a baby by early April...all with minimal drama. This is just unreal. I'm almost embarrassed to write it. Some of you have been waiting so much longer then we have. We're not out of the woods yet though. We've already called our families, and they are happy for us.

Here's a favorite video of mine, that still makes me cry when I watch it...

OK Actually, Don't Breathe Just Yet!

OK we're back to not breathing again. Everything feels like it's all spinning around so fast right now. If you remember, yesterday we decided not to pursue what was, admittedly, a pretty bad situation. Today we've been "live" with the IAC for exactly three weeks. So we thought we'd go back to the waiting game again. Not so fast. First, we got an email from IAC with our letter stats for February. We were only live for two weeks in that month, and they sent out nine of our letters--that's a lot! In the email, Lane wrote "You guys are popular around here". Guess so.

But wait there's more. I got a call from the intake coordinator at IAC this afternoon. She was "debriefing" me about our Monday call, and how it really didn't fit us or lots of other waiting couples. As I was about to hang up she said, "No wait, we have more to talk about". We do?

Another situation has come up. Again, we are just starting this one, and I don't feel comfortable blogging the details just yet. All I can say is that someone has narrowed her choice down to three letters...one of them ours. I can't believe how fast this is going! Not that we're there yet. But she did send us an email tonight, and we wrote back. OK I'll say it, we're freaking out over here!

And, Breathe...

First, wow, so many well wishes. I'm so grateful to have all you guys out there pulling for us! That's wonderful.

Second, you can relax, we officially terminated our short and sweet dialogue with this potential birthmom. I keep wanting to post details, but I'm not sure it's right. Suffice to say, we knew from the beginning this wasn't going anywhere but when you're doing this, you have to always think there is a chance this really is the one. So we played along for a few days, but after the last email from her, we wrote back wishing her well, but this isn't going to be a match.

We feel good about it, so don't worry about us. What we do know is the system works so far. Besides it's really only been a little over two weeks that we're on the books, so not too bad. Now we wait for the next contact.

If you do want to get excited though, you need to visit Mike and Michael, of which I'm a huge fan. They have some very good news over at their blog...very good! If you've never read their blog, it's a must read.

Wonder What's Up?

Hmm, I wish I could talk about our call, but I don't think I can yet...the situation is strange...we're both wondering if we're possibly being played...I don't know. Hopefully I'll be able to post something by the end of the week. Right now, there is still a possibility this is for real...and if it is, well, we still have some thinking to do.

Sorry for the mystery, but tune in later...

Home Study Visit, Take Two

So today was the second home visit, and my turn to get interviewed by our social worker, Windsor. I took today off so I could clean house. Well mostly. It was also Ripley's birthday, so I had to spend a little time with my little guy. OK he's 108 pounds so not so little. So here was my day:
7 AM--try to pretend I'm sleeping so the Labs will leave me alone. Not working.
8 AM--give up pretending to sleep, because my face and hair are wet with Labrador saliva. Also every tennis ball in the house is now on my pillow against my face.
8:15 AM--Coffee's brewing, take the boys outside to play with the tennis ball.
8:40 AM--Mmmm, coffee. Take shower.
9:30 AM--Take Ripley to the vet for a dentist appointment. Yes, on his birthday. There's a cage full of 7 week old kittens in the lobby; Ripley begins picking out his birthday present.
10 AM--Teeth are fine, off to PetSmart to get birthday gifts. Explain that while they are fun to play with, you can have rawhide, but not a kitten. Listen to whining.
10:30 AM--Chase is elated that while it's Ripley's birthday, the rawhides come in two packs.
11-1:30 PM--Clean the house. Sigh.
1:30 PM--Kitten play break. Called Kathleen and told her those kittens are soooo cute. She came down to look. Went with her back to the vet and played with kittens. Kath ends up taking two home.
2:30 PM--Get home right before Gregg; pretend I've been cleaning this WHOLE time. Baby, I'm so tired! Finish the biography I was supposed to write last week.
3 PM--Windsor arrives. I immediately love her! She becomes my favorite golden girl. Yes, even past Bea Arthur. (It's OK, he knows I love him.)
Windsor and I had a great meeting. She is so easy to talk to. She eased all my fears about the process and assured us we had no need to worry, we'd get approved by the judge. She just wanted to get to know me, about my background, schooling, etc. The first thing she did was pull out pics of her two yellow Labs. She loved the boys, and they were on their best behaviour quietly sitting in their kennels. We talked about birthmothers, and she gave us tips to look out for. College age or career track women, real good chance. Teenage mothers, drama disasters. I pretty much figured that.
4:30 PM--Took the boys to Cosmo Park for some swimming and playing. Got a call from Gregg, "Hi I'm at the vet picking out a kitten..." HELL NO. Back away from the pussy! Phew, he was there looking at them, but thankfully didn't bring one home. But really they are so cute!
6:40 PM--Got home, hugged my baby, gave Ripley more birthday gifts, had a great dinner, called my sister to see how the kittens were doing, and just thought about how much I love my husband and want to take care of our child together...sigh.

Juno What I Mean?

Juno. You have to see it. You'll love it.

That's all we kept hearing since we started this journey. Juno this and Juno that. It was even nominated for best picture at the Oscars (won best screenplay; also nominated for best actress Ellen Paige). Because it's late, I'll plagiarize from the fine people over at IMDB and let them summarize the plot for you:

Sixteen year-old Juno MacGuff is the type of girl that beats to her own drummer, and doesn't really care what others may think of her. She learns that she's pregnant from a one-time sexual encounter with her best friend, Paulie Bleeker. Juno and Paulie like each other, but don't consider themselves to be exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend let alone be ready to be a family complete with child. Although she would rather not be pregnant, Juno is fairly pragmatic about her situation. Although there, Paulie really leaves all the decisions about the baby to Juno. Initially she decides that she will have an abortion, but that's something that she ultimately cannot go through with. So she decides to have the baby and give it up for adoption. But first she has to tell her father, Mac, and stepmother, Bren, that she is pregnant. Although they would have preferred if Juno was on hard drugs or expelled from school, Mac and Bren too are pragmatic about Juno's situation. The next step is to find prospective parents for the yet unborn child. In the Pennysaver ad section, Juno finds Mark and Vanessa Loring, a yuppie couple living in the suburbs. Juno likes the Lorings, and in some respects has found who looks to be a kindred spirit in Mark, with whom she shares a love of grunge music and horror films. Vanessa is a little more uptight and is the one in the relationship seemingly most eager to have a baby. On her own choosing, Juno enters into a closed rather than open adoption contract with the Lorings - meaning she will have no contact with the baby after she gives it up. During the second and third trimesters of Juno's pregnancy which she treats with care but detachment, Juno's relationships with her family, with Paulie, and with the Lorings develop, the latter whose on the surface perfect life masks some hidden problems.

OK let me first say, whenever there is mondo buzz over a film and everyone keeps telling me I have to see it, I intentionally start avoiding it. I hate doing something because everyone else is doing it. Like watching American Idol, or kissing girls. I actually have it as a point of honor that to this day I have never seen that other movie, the one about the retard. I can't think of the name right now. The "Life is like a box of chocolates" guy. But you're saying, you have to see that one. Um, no I don't. At the weekend intensive, all the other couples had seen Juno and were singing its praises. They even kept saying Ty (the birthmother...see Weekend Intensive, Part Two) was so very Juno MacGuff. In the film, Juno is a very cool girl. She's the ultimate hipster. Into music that is at once cool and obscure. She has a taste for 70's camp horror and an intimate knowledge of its European directors. She is mature beyond her years. She's one of those high school girls that is so secure with her own hipness that she's above criticism. She doesn't care what anyone thinks about her situation. In other words, complete unrealistic fantasy.

Juno is not doing drugs or alcohol. She's funny. She's cool. Her parents aren't abusive. In fact, they give nothing at all to the discussion of adoption. She doesn't seek their advice. They're mostly absent from any real decision making. In other words, the movie is totally divorced from reality. I have no clue what type of birthmother(s) may eventually contact us, but I have a feeling it isn't going to be Juno. Oh yeah--I also hate movies that end the same as they started. At the end, Juno and her boyfriend just kinda go back to hanging out and playing music, no different from the way they were before.

As the stars would have it, we now own the DVD. Sigh.

Weekend Intensive, Part 2

First I'm bummed because the Suns lost Game 1 to the Spurs in double overtime today. Arrrgh. Had to get that off my chest.

Anywho, Day Two of the Weekend Intensive. We had the same group of people today, right now I can't remember their names. Gregg better not read this or he'll yell at me! They were nice people and as noted treated us as another infertile couple. (OK, make a gratuitous invitro fertilization joke here. At least we don't need the turkey baster like the lesbians. Note to self: Don't eat gravy at Stacey and Dorothy's house. OK that's gross; I should delete it. Phffff, not!) So...oh OK right. Day Two.

Day Two was more interesting then Day One, because we were going to meet two other couples. A young woman who gave up her baby for adoption and her mother, and a couple who adopted a child through the IAC.

The birth mother was first. Her name was Ty, and she was a very nice, likable, funny girl. Someone you'd want to be friends with. Very "Juno" (more on Juno later). She was in college and seemed to be getting on with her life after the adoption, which took place about two years ago while she was only sixteen. They were an average middle class Catholic family. Her parents were still married. Her mom was a very straightforward, practical type of person. They were kind of "Gilmore Girlish" but without being annoying. Ty began telling her story of how she found out she was pregnant when she was sixteen. At first she planned on keeping the baby and marrying her then boyfriend. Her parents saw this was going to be a disaster in the making, and convinced her to contact the IAC, who I think they found online. Anyway, she talked about the emotion she went through during the process. She seemed determined to go through with it, and was happy with the family she picked. In her case, she declined to let them in the delivery room and just had her mother there (understandable to me). She also requested the second day of her hospital stay to be adoptive parent free. She wanted to spend the day with her family and her baby. Now I'm really glad she brought this up. If this happens to us, I'll understand it and not worry about it. This is the only time in her life she will spend with the child. She should have the day to herself. Once that time was over, she gave up the child when she left the hospital. There were a lot of tears, but she said she understood why she was doing this. After she went home she just wanted to get along with her life. She mentioned her two visits to see her baby since. The adoptive family seemed more interested in contacting her for visitation then she was to them. She just described that she was in college, starting a writing career, and if she wanted to see the child all the time she would have kept him and parented herself. They had some pictures in a book the adoptive parents had made for them. I could see the grandmother was especially proud, and they seemed OK with the entire thing. After they left the room, I wasn't the only one who mentioned she didn't seem like the typical birthmother.

The couple that adopted seemed to be the more realistic experience. Their birth mother was a complete mess, and if she didn't give up her child it probably would have been taken from her eventually. The most important thing I got out of them was that they matched for the first time after being in the book for only a week. After a few weeks of conversation with the birth mother they realized this was a bad connection and voluntarily unmatched. I asked them how hard that was because I am concerned we may not be strong enough to do that. She said it was difficult, but necessary. She just knew this was a bad situation because the mother might get all the way to the hospital and change her mind. They could tell it was going to be bad and felt good about unmatching. That reassured both of us. We know now we can do that if we feel we need to. On a side note, they matched agian the next week, so I'm not sure these people were typical either. But they sure did look happy...