"Jesus Wept," -- Mike Huckabee, former governor and current sad faced person.
"Knock it off Homos!"--Mike Huckabee
While today was a day of celebration for a lot of the country as DOMA was defanged and Prop. 8 fell thanks to the Supremes (Diana Ross notwithstanding), there was also a great gnashing of teeth and general drama queenliness from our nutty friends on the right wing. You'd think we changed the name of the country to the United States of Fabulous. While Gregg might be counted in the camp that was disappointed in the outcome (he's now one step closer to fulfilling his proposal of 1997 to me, even if I have to drag him kicking and screaming down the aisle), I thought I'd take some time and give some space to those who aren't so happy on this historic day.
- Mike Huckabee You'd think someone named after a cartoon hound dog would have more of a sense of humor. He's informed us that when told of the verdict today, "Jesus Wept". Well of course he did! Tears of joy. Because now if the Christs ever decide to settle down in that little place on the California beach I'm told they've had their eyes on, Jesus can rest assured that his two daddies will be able to receive all the federal benefits they are entitled to. Ding dong, Do I hear wedding bells?
- Catholic BishopsCardinal Timothy Dolan lamented this tragic day for our nation, and that we don't know the difference between a man and a woman. Well of course I know the difference, especially after that regrettable drunken night in 1992. (Sadly, I'm not a gold star gay) Then again it's understandable that the Church is against marriage equality. After all, Cardinal Dolan would have to make an honest woman out of Archbishop Cordileone, and (s)he's a terrible cook.
- The National Organization for Marriage (NOM)The National Organization for Marriage, whose goal is to stop marriages (?), was deeply disappointed. Use to gloating over victories and crushing the dreams of families for years now, they didn't quite know how to react. “There is a stench coming from this case that has now stained the Supreme Court,” said Brian Brown, the organization’s President. You just know he was thinking back to last Saturday night and, well, Santorum.
- Glenn Beck and Rand Paul
The Clown Prince of Teabaggery and Rand Paul's real hair joined forces today to denounce the marriage equality decision. Glenn, as usual, is focused on the Muslim problem. "If I’m a devout Muslim, I come over here and I have three wives, who are you to say if I’m an American citizen that I can’t have multiple wives?”. Who indeed?! Beck didn't let the fact that this decision was about same sex marriage and has nothing to do with polygamy stop him, because, well, Muslims. Rand Paul, taking a break from holding a flag on the top of Mount Rushmore, shook his head in agreement. “People take it to one extension further — does it have to be humans?" Oh SNAP! Does it indeed! At any rate, it would at least need to be something that could sign a marriage contract, like the Cowardly Lion (clearly gay) or that annoying map from Dora the Explorer.
- Michele Bachmann (R-The Old Testament)
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes chimed in with righteous indignation today as well. “No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted”. To which her butch husband Marcus shouted out "H to the E to the double L yeah!". He then asked Michele not to wait up for him tonight as he'd be busy bringing Jesus to a homeless shelter called The Cockpit.
"Oh Michele, you send me!"
The more perfect union desired by our founders took one more step forward today. I'm envious of my gay friends in states like California who are now enjoying all the benefits of marriage they deserve, but in a good way. It looks as if marriage equality is not only here to stay but will be expanding very quickly. For ourselves, our kids, and our humanity, I'm glad for that. Now let's get to work!