Thursday, June 17, 2010

In Which I Answer Your Questions

Now we talk about my favorite subject...Me!  Here are the answers to the questions you've asked me in a post last week...

Any tips for caring for African hair? We are in the process of adopting an African baby girl and feel helpless when it comes to the African hair!  OK let me say this...this can be a difficult subject to deal with in an interracial family.  Both  mothers-in-law have added their two cents to the hair topic.  The topic of hair has been one that has caused some tension in the family, and I'm not even comfortable going into that here.  I'm by no means an expert on this subject and am still learning.  Gregg obviously has experiance, but mostly with men's hair.  Suffice it to say you need to do your research.  A good ethnic salon, or even advice from African American friends will be helpful.  We like to use products from Carol's Daughter as we've found they are very easy on her hair. 

Do you ever make it down to the much cooler Tucson?  Sometimes.  We have friends down there.  We often meet up with them and then head down to Tubac for some great shopping.  I'll let you know next time we make a trip.

In view of the coming movie, Jacob or Edward?  Neither.  I'm a bit of a vampire nerd.  As a kid I actually read Fangoria magazine.  My parents wouldn't let me send them $12 for two actual vampire fangs.  It's Fangoria if anyone has authentic vampire relics it's them!  My tween neices love Twilight which is a red flag.  Apparently it's about Mormon vegetarian vampires or something?  We have the DVD, I haven't watched it.  For me, Eric from True Blood and the vampire Lestat.

You're a gay male couple with a baby daughter.  Do people ever ask things like "What are you going to do with a girl?  Will she know any women?  Are you worried about role models?"  For some reason, men seem to worry about this more then women do.  I'm working on a variant of my "I"m more man then you'll ever be and more woman then you'll ever have" response.  But no, we're not worried.  We're gay men but we don't live in a vaccuum.  There are plenty of female role models among our friends and family.  It's funny, no one ever asks this of a single mom with a young son do they?  I haven't been approached by a stranger on this one yet, but I'd tell them it's none of their business.  And I give them such a look.

Have you found it harder or easier than you thought to be two dads?  Not as hard as I thought.  And we're in very white, very Mormon, Mesa Arizona.  We've gotten a few tisk tisk looks, but for the most part things have been great.  In fact, sometimes I think our curiosity factor makes us more popular.  And we have a great support group of other gay families we've met via blogging and the local gay dad's group.

Blue pill or red pill?  I have no idea what this means.  So my answer is if blue, Sapphire gin martini, up and dirty, and if red, a quality Malbec.

Do you, Gregg, and Sabrina ever plan to make a trip to Florida?  Not right now.  Florida is so anti gay I'm not sure I'd want to spend much money down there.  But for the Belly girls I'd make an exception! 

Why or what made you decide to start blogging?  We were excited to start our journey to adoption and didn't know anyone who'd done it before.  I also wanted to chronicle our experience for our families to follow.  I'm so glad for all the new friends I made along the way.

When are you and Gregg going to get married?  Ah the million dollar question!  Right now the answer is, we don't.  I remember back in 1997 while living in West Hollywood I came back to AZ for Thanksgiving while Gregg moved into my apartment.  When I returned, he took me in his arms and asked me to marry him.  Ah romance!  We've since decided we won't do that until it's legal and recognized in all 50 something states.  Since we don't live in a state that recognizes it, we just don't see the point.  I think it would be more depressing than anything else.

How did you decide what your child would call you?  Good question, we had to think about it a bit, but we came back to Daddy (me) and Papa (Gregg).  Papa was kind of a nickname Gregg's friends called him back in the day, and well I just wanted Daddy.  I've heard of some couples who used the traditional names from their ethinc backgrounds and that's sort of interesting too.  There are lots of variations, but you just have to go with what works for you.  The names don't matter as much as the love anyway, right?

If you could only watch one TV show for the rest of your life what would it be? Same question, but what book? And again, but what movie?  Tough one.  I'll say TV is Dexter, book is Dracula, and movie is a tie between Jaws, Sunset Blvd, Casablanca, and The Godfather.

Are you on Facebook?  Yes.  LOL does that answer it?

Will you adopt again?  I was hoping no one would ask that!  If you asked Gregg you'd get an emphatic yes, while I say probably.  This wouldn't start until next year, finances willing.

Did you proceed open adoption or do you know the mother of your daughter?  Yes, our adoption is completely open and we have a relationship with her birth mother.  Lately I think she's backing off a little, but that's her choice.  You can read about our reunion in March here.

Thanks for the questions, this was fun.  Now I'm off to google up a back issue of Fangoria!


Leah said...

I really hope you can get married soon! I feel it's so important that we all have equal rights. You guys are doing such a great job at parenting. :)

Anonymous said...

Orlando is actually pretty gay friendly. Even though we are a red state, we are still pretty open.

Maybe you could all come down around gay days (next June) or for the pride parade in Oct.

Personally I think the best months (weather wise) to visit Florida are March, April, and May.

If you guys ever think about coming down, you could always stay with us (we have the room). :)

We would love to meet ya'll. ;)

Anonymous said...

I didn't have any questions, mostly I'm along for the ride. But I have a comment. I'm not charged with my answer, just thoughtful so no one assume I'm looking for confrontation.

This question annoys me;
You're a gay male couple with a baby daughter. Do people ever ask things like "What are you going to do with a girl? Will she know any women? Are you worried about role models?"

It bothers me because of two reasons. First, we get the other side of it, before we knew the sex of the baby the thought of it being a boy sent people into convulsions.

The second is much more experience based and much less reactive, well, maybe.

I grew up with my father as my sole caretaker and provider. He was a divorced man raising two kids in the 80s. Anyone can agree the 80s were much less dad friendly then things are today. But he did his best and I'm a nanny for heavens sake. I'm educated and nurturing. I LOVE women. I identify as a woman. And I'm looking forward to being a mother. Nothing about me lacks the feminine.

You know what? I didn't have many good female role models. But I had a wonderful father and I love the men in my life very much. I think that opposite sex parents are generally kids' favorite even in male-female families. You aren't cheating your son if he doesn't have a father or hurting your daughter if she doesn't have a mother. It's life and it happens and our kids are our kids for a reason.

I think you two are doing a great job. I'm thrilled that I get to hear about your little girl growing up and I envy that she'll have two parents. Having just a dad was never a problem, only having one parent, that was a lot tougher.

Peter said...

We're still struggling with the what will a kid call us question... because so much depends on the age of the foster-to-adopt kid(s) who will appear (very soon, we think).

The challenge is that we both want to be "Dad" or "Daddy" and I'm not sure that dad & daddy are different enough to be meaningful. "Papa" doesn't sound like either one of us, though we're both Hispanic.

Sigh... you're probably right that the names don't matter, the love does... but it's still worrying me (because I don't have anything "real" to worry about yet?).

Thanks for the answers!

BellaDaddy said...

Thank You! And a VERY VERY Happy Fathers Day to you both!

Uruk said...

Happy Father's Day to you both!

high country ucc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mommy3 said...

I really do hope you adopt again -- but you have plenty of time, IMHO. Having more than one child is a lot to do, I can say, a lot more than 2 X 1, but your child having a sibling adds so much. I'm amazed how much, really. Still, if you're saying "probably" now, you'll cave in to Gregg, I hope. You are great parents -- Sabrina is a testament to that.

Chantelle & Cyndi our life said...

Hello Daddy and Pappa. Just catching up on your blog and wondering how sweet little Sabrina is doing. We need to get together again.
Lots of love and hugs.
Chantelle, Cyndi, and Xander

Lucy said...

So fun learning more about you! Hope you guys had a wonderful Father's Day!

Anne said...

I love Carol's Daughter products for my daughter's hair, too, but woo- the hair milk is potent- aah choo!!

lovesmukiwa said...

So I am commenting on this VERY late... Oh well!
As a lesbian mom to two boys please know that you are not alone in being questioned about appropriate role models. We actually had to show in the adoption process that there will be males in our sons lives because heavens... what will two women do with two boys?!
We have had both our boys from infancy. Our oldest calls us both mom, mommy, mama, or whatever he feels like at the moment. When he is with me he calls me mom and my spouse "other" mom! But we always know who they want when they call!

Uruk said...

@ lovesmukiwa

"So I am commenting on this VERY late... Oh well!"

Better late than never.

I'd love to see studies in the future that document how children turn out after being raised by same-sex parents. When people see that nothing bad happens, that will hopefully be a big step forward.

Bobby said...

You don't have to wait for the future, the studies are already here. Here's one

but if you just google "Children with same sex parents" you'll find many of them. The only ones that show negative effects were done by...wait for it...religious groups like "Lifesite News". These use fear tactics like "Gays teach kids marriage is bad" and "Kids are at risk of sexual relations with their parents" and other such nonsense. The best part is they start off by saying they looked at 49 studies that say our kids do just fine, and then claim those are all wrong. No evidence is given, they're just wrong. Kinda like belief in their God, no evidence, just take our word for it...