Weekend Intensive, Part 2

First I'm bummed because the Suns lost Game 1 to the Spurs in double overtime today. Arrrgh. Had to get that off my chest.

Anywho, Day Two of the Weekend Intensive. We had the same group of people today, right now I can't remember their names. Gregg better not read this or he'll yell at me! They were nice people and as noted treated us as another infertile couple. (OK, make a gratuitous invitro fertilization joke here. At least we don't need the turkey baster like the lesbians. Note to self: Don't eat gravy at Stacey and Dorothy's house. OK that's gross; I should delete it. Phffff, not!) So...oh OK right. Day Two.

Day Two was more interesting then Day One, because we were going to meet two other couples. A young woman who gave up her baby for adoption and her mother, and a couple who adopted a child through the IAC.

The birth mother was first. Her name was Ty, and she was a very nice, likable, funny girl. Someone you'd want to be friends with. Very "Juno" (more on Juno later). She was in college and seemed to be getting on with her life after the adoption, which took place about two years ago while she was only sixteen. They were an average middle class Catholic family. Her parents were still married. Her mom was a very straightforward, practical type of person. They were kind of "Gilmore Girlish" but without being annoying. Ty began telling her story of how she found out she was pregnant when she was sixteen. At first she planned on keeping the baby and marrying her then boyfriend. Her parents saw this was going to be a disaster in the making, and convinced her to contact the IAC, who I think they found online. Anyway, she talked about the emotion she went through during the process. She seemed determined to go through with it, and was happy with the family she picked. In her case, she declined to let them in the delivery room and just had her mother there (understandable to me). She also requested the second day of her hospital stay to be adoptive parent free. She wanted to spend the day with her family and her baby. Now I'm really glad she brought this up. If this happens to us, I'll understand it and not worry about it. This is the only time in her life she will spend with the child. She should have the day to herself. Once that time was over, she gave up the child when she left the hospital. There were a lot of tears, but she said she understood why she was doing this. After she went home she just wanted to get along with her life. She mentioned her two visits to see her baby since. The adoptive family seemed more interested in contacting her for visitation then she was to them. She just described that she was in college, starting a writing career, and if she wanted to see the child all the time she would have kept him and parented herself. They had some pictures in a book the adoptive parents had made for them. I could see the grandmother was especially proud, and they seemed OK with the entire thing. After they left the room, I wasn't the only one who mentioned she didn't seem like the typical birthmother.

The couple that adopted seemed to be the more realistic experience. Their birth mother was a complete mess, and if she didn't give up her child it probably would have been taken from her eventually. The most important thing I got out of them was that they matched for the first time after being in the book for only a week. After a few weeks of conversation with the birth mother they realized this was a bad connection and voluntarily unmatched. I asked them how hard that was because I am concerned we may not be strong enough to do that. She said it was difficult, but necessary. She just knew this was a bad situation because the mother might get all the way to the hospital and change her mind. They could tell it was going to be bad and felt good about unmatching. That reassured both of us. We know now we can do that if we feel we need to. On a side note, they matched agian the next week, so I'm not sure these people were typical either. But they sure did look happy...

An Intens-ive Weekend--Day 1

So a few words about where we are in Project Baby. We made the official leap at the end of March. We (well mostly Gregg, but what else is new) did the research and signed with the IAC, the Independent Adoption Center (http://www.adoptionhelp.org/) in Los Angeles. We chose them for a number of reasons. They are the largest and most well respected open adoption agency in the country. They are also well known for helping gays and lesbians adopt. They are also extremely nice, and very helpful. Gregg really researched them out, and we had a conference call with their director at the beginning of March. We liked what we heard, so we signed up and went to our weekend intensive meeting at their office in L.A. on March 28-29th. Do you know how hard it is to have a hotel on Santa Monica Blvd in the heart of Boystown in West Hollywood and not be there to party? We wanted to be fresh for our meetings in the morning so we didn't really go out at all. Actually, thinking about why we were there made it surprisingly painless to stay in and go to bed early.

On the first day we met our adoption counselor, Lane. He put us (especially me) at ease right away. Lane is also gay and together with his partner adopted two children from the IAC before he worked there. He really helped me to allay my fears about a lot of things. Lane thinks we have a good shot at a short wait once we get "in the book". Getting "in the book" means getting signed up, on the IAC payment plan, and having your home study and birth mother letter and website completed. Once that happens, your letter and information is published by IAC and sent out to potential birth mothers. Apparently, gay male couples don't wait any longer then straight people do. I think it's because many woman subscribe to the "gay best friend" theory. I've found it to be true that women, especially single women, feel very comfortable around gay men. I guess it's the whole "no threat" feeling we give them. They listen to what we say and expect to hear the truth from us. I know I can say the most horrible things to my personal fruit fly Angela and she takes me at my word. (Like when she was doing bangs. Oh-my-god. She actually thought she could pull that off. And don't even get me started on those brown sparkle shoes of hers. It looks like they lost a fight with the "Beadazzler".) Then we have that whole rep for being "nurturing". Chicks dig that, or so I'm told. I'm not sure how the most infertile couple possible has a reputation for being among the best parents, but it works for me.

Lane's other remark was also comforting. Telling Gregg that for the first time in his life being black was going to pay off in a good way (Lane--"Oh Snap!" to you!). We are hoping for a mixed race baby and many times they don't go to white couples. I still haven't figured out if that's a tiny bit racist, but OH WELL.

Lane also went over the whole money part. Gregg took it all in, but I've inherited my mother's monetary sensibilities. My mom's a shrewd one when it comes to spending money. If there's a deal, she'll get it. If there is something less expensive, she'll find it. My head starts swimming when large amounts of money are involved. I was still ticked I didn't walk the extra two blocks that morning to get my latte at the Coffee Bean because they are a little cheaper then Starbucks. I describe myself as frugal. Gregg calls me "cheapie". When Lane was talking money Gregg was giving me the stare down. Yeah it's expensive. But I wouldn't care if it cost twice as much. Me and my honey are having a baby...

After lunch it was time to do the group sessions. We would be meeting with three other couples for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I remember telling Gregg I hoped at least one couple would be gay. I was feeling like straight couples might resent us for horning in on their action. You stay away from our babies and we won't attempt dramatic lighting or floral centerpieces. I was pleasantly surprised. All three couples were very nice and didn't seem to be bothered at all by the homos. As the afternoon wore on, we talked to social worker after social worker. We learned about birth mom letters, trans racial adoption, birth father rights, what to do when birth mom's a jailbird, all that stuff. Information was swirling in my head. We were both really excited...this is our first official step to Fatherhood! At least we had time for a nice dinner in WeHo and quick drink at East West lounge (sigh, the old Revolver...gone but not forgotten!) before we were back in our room for the night. Saturday would be a shorter day, but a very interesting one.