Zero Hour is Upon Us...

The countdown is over and...no baby! There's more waiting? Geez! We waited for the homestudy, the letter text, pictures, paperwork, website approval, matching, a month of pregnancy, and now...keep waiting! Gregg and I are late to every family function, so looks like we may have the perfect daughter for us! I'll keep you posted...what else really is there to say except...the waiting is killing us! As soon as she thinks labor is starting, Lucy will call us and we'll be off to L.A.

T Minus 1

Argh, one day left till the due date! We heard from Lucy tonight, and she says she is feeling some pain and thinks she's getting close. Now of course if she were me, she'd have an efficient German birth that is right on schedule with a minimum of pushing. But let's check on you guys to see who's still in the pool. Remember, it's person coming closest without going over, just like Price is Right. The only playas left are:

• Louie, current leader, March 30 11:25 AM
• Kathryn, April 1, 12:03 AM
• Michael, April 3, 2:42 AM

Really, where do you people get your times from? The rest of you all guessed early and are out. (I'm impatient and would have preferred one of the early guesses win!)

This is for those of you who haven't gotten to this stage yet. Let me say right out I didn't expect the waiting to be this hard. Hell we were thinking last weekend would be Finster's big moment. There is a constant knot in our stomachs and we are finding it hard to concentrate. Each day is like torture! We are so glad our relationship with Lucy is so good and our worries about the adoption going smoothly are minimal. I'll be so glad when this is OVAH!

I know I know nursery pics. You need something to look forward to right?

T Minus 3

Well I'm trying to recover from the feeling of sadness. No not Mema, I don't think that will go away for a while. I'm talking about that other national tragedy, the one I'm sure you're all feeling. Nina Flowers being denied the title of America's Next Drag Superstar on RuPaul's Drag Race. I know what you're thinking, there's nothing that can make me feel better after that disappointment. I mean Miss Bebe was fierce, but if you want to see a dolled up lounge singer who you suspect is a man, you can always go to a Celine Dion concert.

Right now I'm relaxing outside with a glass of red wine. It's like 10:30 at night, and I spent the whole day doing yardwork and cleaning the house. I made a fire in the fire pit and it feels good. Gregg's upstairs watching TV I guess and it's just me and The Boys out here by the fire. Since we put laminate floors in the baby's room there are rolls of carpet stacked out here on the patio. For some reason Chase is very busy dragging a roll out of the pile, then getting another one and dragging it out too. Don't ask me, I have no idea what goes through that canine brain of his. He's in project mode, and as long as he's not wearing his "Dark Destroyer" costume I'll leave him alone. Ripley is, as usual, laying beside my chair, one eye on Chase wondering what the hell he's doing. Stars are out tonight and the Big Dipper is right over me. For the last few days Gregg and I have been on edge. With only three days left until Sabrina's birth, she could come at any time. We jump every time the phone rings. All day as I started each project I'd think, are you sure this is what you should be doing? Is there something Finster related that should be done first? What if she calls while you're trimming the bushes...will there by time to clean it all up? It's such a strange feeling. We are actually held hostage to the hours of the pet hotel at Petsmart. If that's not open, we can't leave. So a middle of the night call will have to wait until morning. I guess that's OK, because I'm not comfortable driving across the desert to California at night anyway. I just hope when the call does come we can get there in time to see her birth.

Tomorrow we're going to brunch with some of our gay friends. They're so much fun, and so totally into watching Project Baby come to fruition. I think it will be fun.

Time feels like it's standing still. Chase is scratching at the door, he's done moving carpet rolls, and as the fire's going out it's a good time to go inside. Don't worry, we'll get to the nursery pictures soon enough. For now, a feeling of great change is upon this house.

T Minus 6

Well I'm back in Arizona again. While Mema's death hit pretty hard and threw a giant monkey wrench into the works I'm getting through it, and at least there was no emergency call from Gregg that he was on the way to L.A. for Finster's birth while I was still on Long Island. I forgot I "outed" her to you and told you her name. But I'm so attached to Finster! I think I can still call her that once in a while until she's born and get away with it. Anyway just a quick post to tell you I'm alive and we're on track. Some of you have already lost the contest, but we're not done yet! Next up: pictures of the nursery.

Thanks everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. We did have some funny moments. Like when I got to her apartment, and she had a table set up with family pictures of all her grand- and great grandchildren. What's that one picture in the pretty gold frame? Oh, The Boys!

Still in NY

Today was my grandmother's wake. I got through it, but it was hard. They had to open up another section of the room for all the people who were there. We used to tease her and call her Edith Bunker, because that is the easiest way to describe her. A heart of gold, and would do anything for you. Always put others ahead of herself. A little ditsy. And she'd make you laugh your ass off. Loved Gregg, but always called him "Craig". He didn't care, he loved her too. She will be dearly missed. We laughed a lot but it was very sad. Tomorrow we go to the cemetery. It's gonna be tough. I wish Gregg was here too, but I have a close relationship with all my cousins and we are rooming together so that makes it a little better. I saw so many people I haven't seen in years; some I hardly remember. Everyone knew about the adoption, but there was one thing I guess I need to get used to. I saw a cousin I had not seen in years, and someone told him I was adopting. We talked about it and he said "I bet your wife is excited too". Well, um, no. I bet we'll get that one a lot!

So far there is still no news on baby watch. The countdown continues.

Ah what the heck. I'll throw you a bone.

Sabrina Marie.

A Quick Update

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. I think I've been writing that a lot lately...

As you know, we found out Thursday that my grandmother, "Mema" passed away. She was 87 and this was not totally unexpected, just a little of a surprise is all. She had a good life, created this huge family, and was a good person and kindhearted. She always made all of us laugh, and we'll miss her.

We had already planned to get together at my parents house that night for dinner; my sisters were worried we wouldn't "have everything we need" for our upcoming Great California Adventure. I think they're overly excited. I admit I'm nervous (Gregg will never do that!) but I think we'll be fine. So we had kind of an impromptu baby shower with my sisters, brother, cousin, and parents. We got the stroller and swing we wanted, plus an infant seat and another 3 tons of clothes. There is something about infant clothes, especially girls, that seems irresistible. They're just so darn cute! So the baby helped everyone have a good time and made the day a little brighter. My nieces are already making baby room decorations, and they can't wait to meet their new cousin.

We had our match meeting with the IAC and Lucy yesterday, and it went well. Mostly a 2 hour get to know each other better session, as well as planning for what's going to happen at the hospital. It did get a little emotional for all of us I think when we started talking about how we plan to leave the hospital, but I figured that would happen. Lucy is just so great with all of this. The baby is due any time, but we don't think it will be in the next few days. She is going to the doctor Monday for another sonogram and they'll know better then.

So I'm going to take a bit of a chance and do what I know I have to...fly back to Long Island for the funeral. I'm leaving this afternoon and coming back on Tuesday. Just in case, I've packed my LA bag already. I would feel terrible if she's born while I'm gone because then Gregg has to finalize everything here by himself and then drive over alone. It's only about 5 hours but I'm sure he'll be stressed. If I need to I'll just change my ticket and go straight to LA from New York. I'm at the top end of the stress scale right now, but going back there should help at least put my mind at ease.

"Mema"

I'm so happy you are all excited for us. I want to post pictures of the nursery but I can't right now. We received news this morning that my grandmother has died. She lived on Long Island with most of our extended family. For some reason I just had to post it I really don't know why. I'm at the office right now and I think I'll stay for a little. Our EVP hosts Spring Training Baseball Games once a year, and that's today, so I think I'll leave when it's time for that but go see my Dad instead. My brother works downstairs in IT so we're visiting back and forth. I'll post more later because I want to tell you about her and what an influence she was on my life but right now I want to finish writing some emails and doing some work to take my mind away.

Otherwise I think I'll have a breakdown.

T Minus 13

13 Days left until March 31st...

(And only 2 days left to enter the birthdate give away contest!)

Things are so crazy right now, between work and Project Baby, I barely have any free time at all. I work for JDA Software in Scottsdale and my official title is Team Lead for the support side of In-Store Systems, but I've recently been given responsibility for the development side as well, and hope to manage both teams as my goal in the next quarter. Complicated sounding I know, but in a nutshell our department helps develop and support software products most of you use every day. Our products run or interface with retail store payment systems. (It's a fancy way of saying our software runs cash registers.) If you've ever shopped at PETCO (where coincidentally I also used to work), Estee Lauder's different brands of stores (MAC, etc), Allen Edmonds, Carlton Cards, Universal Studios, Charlotte Russe, Columbia Sportswear, or hundreds of other retailers, you've used JDA products. Right now, I'm responsible for getting two software releases out the door, and development work is planned to stop on...

March 31st.

We emailed our birth mother, "Lucy", and she's feeling good, still very happy she's chosen us as parents for the baby. She still feels the same as she did and can't really clue us in as to when the baby will be born. So we wait, without a plan for when we're leaving. Gregg's been researching hotels and kind of thinking about where we'll be staying in California, and trying to network some of our friends together for visits. But it's not like we can make any reservations. I've tried talking the PetsHotel at PetSmart into giving us a discount for an extended stay for The Boys, but no luck there. We hate the thought of leaving them there for up to two weeks, but they really are too much for any of our family to manage for that length of time because none of them are really used to high energy big dogs. Gregg mentioned bringing them with us but I can't imagine adding two excited Labradors to an already stressful trip so I think that's out. At least they like it at the PetsHotel.

So March 31st is the scheduled release date for two software packages and Finster v. 1.0.

It's Just Emotion That's Taking Me Over...

Reminder...only 5 days left to enter the giveaway contest!

I thought of the title to this post and now I can't get that stupid Bee Gee's song out of my head. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so damn clever. Anyway, Kathryn asked me:

Are you guys ready for this? Are you completely panicking? Are you unbelievably excited??

Right now, I'm not sure how to answer that. Each day brings me something that I can't really quantify as far as emotions. There have been points in my life where I thought, gee, I could never be happier then this. But right now, I've never been higher on the happiness scale. I feel excited, anxious, nervous, happy...all at the same time. I find myself glancing towards the new mail icon on my toolbar every five seconds to see if we have an email from Lucy. I feel wonderfully confident when we correspond with her, then a sense of impending doom the next day because she hasn't messaged. I keep wondering how life is really going to change. I think it's finally settled on my shoulders, and as usual, the people behind that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach are...The Human Resources Department. Yes, HR. The ones who suck every last ounce of fun from everything. How is HR responsible for this you ask? Simple. I asked our HR benefits director a question on what I need to bring to California with me to make sure the baby can see a doctor while we are over there. I got the following response:

1. Add your daughter on the benefits site. I have attached the user guide/link to the site.
   
2. I will need a copy of the adoption paperwork before I can approve the addition of your daughter to your coverage

My daughter. There it is, in print. Wow. Cold chills went up and down my spine, my stomach knotted, and I felt like I might start sweating. The same feelings you must experience at a Celine Dion concert. Dread mixed with sobering reality. Daughter. It would have been so much easier if she was on the same page as me and just wrote Finster (Finsterella?).

So yesterday I hung up a new curtain rod and painted the closet doors in the baby's room. I thought, ha you're doing "Dad Stuff". I smiled. Then I thought gee what if I turn into my father? Not a bad thing, I smiled because my father is a great dad. Then I started thinking again about the other worry--once this happens, am I giving up my Gay Card?

I'm admittedly a little conceited. I'm always very sure I'm right. And whenever I look at how straight people do things, I think "Man I'm so glad we don't do that". I'm glad we're slowly getting our rights, but I don't want to be straight. It's not who I am. I have nothing against straight people, I just don't think gays need to give up their identities and be exactly like them. That's my problem with a lot of the organizations that supposedly represent me, like HRC or GLAAD. They confuse equality with conformity. I mean, I'm glad they are out there fighting the battles, but sometimes I feel like the message gets morphed from "We want to be accepted" to "We want to be just like you", and actually, not all of us do. So I conducted an experiment. Last night I finished up my baby room chores, then informed Gregg I was going out to the bar. I took a shower, got dressed, and headed out to Charlie's, one of the more popular gay watering holes. It was packed. Pulsing dance music. Crowds of hot men. A few fabulous drag queens. And me, wondering how long I have to stay here. Normally I like going out. But something changed. I had one beer, hung around the dance floor area, and kept thinking it's time to go. All I could think about was...my daughter. Well and my husband. And how I can't wait the two weeks for this to be reality. So I guess I did have a good time. I didn't stay long. I thought about all the times I've come here, about all the things in my life I've done so far. The dance clubs, Pride Festivals, cocktail parties, other unmentionables...and I thought, that was fun. I'm glad I did it. But you know what? I stood back and looked over the whole place as I was going to the front door, and I thought, I'll miss you Charlie's, but not as much as I thought I would. It's time to move on. To our daughter...

All Jump in the Betting Pool

OK all jump in the betting pool!

I'm taking a cue from Michelle at Michelle's Path and running my first ever contest! Today we heard from our birthmom, and at the doctors today she found out her due date is March 31st, give or take a week. So here's the contest:

• Leave a comment on this post with your guess of date and time the baby will be born.
• Person who comes closest without going past the actual birth will win
• Your deadline for entering the contest will be Midnight Friday, March 20th OR if I post before then that we got the word that the baby is on the way. Then entry will close.
• I will make a post announcing the winner and I will send you an Arizona themed prize!

To help your guessing, I can say that the expectant mom is 29 years old, and this is not her first child. Apparently that matters in predicting births.

Good Luck!

Babies Are the New Black

This morning sucked. I just got to the office, booted up my laptop and the fire alarm went off. The first thing that popped into my mind was I wonder if I have time for coffee, and if I have to burn to death why does it have to be in these shoes?

So far this week two sets of friends became dads. Our new friends Don and Chris, who we met because they are also IAC clients and live here in Phoenix, became dads to a beautiful baby girl on Monday. We are so happy for them! Her name is Kaitlyn, and she was born in California but I'm not sure which part. They are going to fill us in on how IAC supports them during this time so we are ready for ours in a few weeks. Our blog friends Mike and Michael had a boy today, their second son, little Matteo! If you hop over to their blog they posted his first ever picture. Adorable!

A note on out of state births. There is something called ICPC and it applies if your baby is born in a different state then where you live. Once relinquishment's are signed, the "birth state" has to file paperwork with your home state before the baby is able to leave. This can take from a few days up to a few weeks, it just depends. So we'll be stuck in a hotel in California with a newborn baby for who knows how long! Don and Chris will be the test case; we hope it goes fast!

Next Steps

Well I have to really say thank you to everyone for all the nice comments on my last post. It really makes me feel good to see all of you pulling for us. *Blush*.

We emailed the IAC on Monday and told them we spoke with the birthmom, I'll call her "Lucy". (One note here: I am, and will always be, eternally grateful to her for giving us a gift that will change our lives forever, so I will not give up any details of her life out of respect for her privacy...but you already knew that!) They emailed us today and told us they spoke to Lucy this morning, and she...well I'll just let them tell it:

Hi guys,
Just wanted to let you know that I talked to Lucy this morning and she confirmed that she really likes you guys and really feels like you are "the ones"! What that means is we are going to go ahead and match you guys, and from here on out you guys will primarily be working with Sarah as your counselor. She will be getting in touch with you to set up the match meeting and helping you guys through everything until the birth (and beyond, for that matter!). Of course both Lane and I are still available, but Sarah is your primary "match counselor." Please let me know if you have any questions and congratulations!
Take care, Caitlin

We still have to nail down a firm date for the birth of the baby and we're hoping we can do that this week. On a side note we met a couple from the IAC trying to adopt that live in North Phoenix. Today, as proud daddies, they took their newborn daughter home from the hospital. Congrats boys!

It's A Match!

I can't believe I'm blogging this...but I am. We are matching! I don't know how or why, but the situation closest to perfect has dropped from the sky and landed in our living room. The woman we were emailing yesterday has picked us. She actually picked us before we even spoke to her, she's that sure. I still don't want to give to many details out of respect for her, but I think I can give you a general outline of the situation. First, there are no drug, alcohol, or smoking issues at all. Second, she is mature, 29 years old, and sounds educated. Next, she had her family members involved in making her decision and they back her all the way. She has full medical coverage, and is adamant that we are going to be the fathers of her baby. She had already made an adoption plan with a family friend that fell through, and so she called the IAC. They sent her a pack of 50 letters, and she said ours caught her eye right away. Ugh how many posts did I do on that letter and the turmoil that went into it! The rewrites, the picture selections, printing it, ugh how I grew to hate that letter and everything around it...that wonderful, glorious letter that caught her eye! She said they kept grabbing other ones but still kept coming back to ours. They all talked it over and decided it was meant to be us. She said she wanted her baby to be surrounded by diversity and she could see how diverse our family was. She wanted lots of kids around and loved the pictures of our neices and nephews. She said we looked fun, and really liked our picture.

She lives in Los Angeles, a quick 4 1/2 hour drive from here, and California is the "Golden State" for gay adoptive parents. Even though we live in Arizona, they will allow us to come back in six months and finalize the adoption there, which will result in a birth certificate with mine and Gregg's names both on it! Full adoption for both of us! Arizona would only do one of us, and the other would have no more rights then a family friend.

When I told her we'd be happy to come out next week, she kind of laughed. She was like, you can do whatever you want, but you're not getting it, I'm picking you guys, it's already decided. We clicked on the phone and had a great conversation. We really felt good during and after the call.

Here's the kicker...she's due in the next four weeks or so! Ouch that is going to go fast! And it is....Drum Roll...Taa Daa...a GIRL! Thankfully the nursery is almost done. She actually apologized for not being able to give more notice!

Right now we're both on cloud nine. We've only been technically waiting three weeks, we're going to officially match with the IAC on Monday, and should have a baby by early April...all with minimal drama. This is just unreal. I'm almost embarrassed to write it. Some of you have been waiting so much longer then we have. We're not out of the woods yet though. We've already called our families, and they are happy for us.

Here's a favorite video of mine, that still makes me cry when I watch it...

OK Actually, Don't Breathe Just Yet!

OK we're back to not breathing again. Everything feels like it's all spinning around so fast right now. If you remember, yesterday we decided not to pursue what was, admittedly, a pretty bad situation. Today we've been "live" with the IAC for exactly three weeks. So we thought we'd go back to the waiting game again. Not so fast. First, we got an email from IAC with our letter stats for February. We were only live for two weeks in that month, and they sent out nine of our letters--that's a lot! In the email, Lane wrote "You guys are popular around here". Guess so.

But wait there's more. I got a call from the intake coordinator at IAC this afternoon. She was "debriefing" me about our Monday call, and how it really didn't fit us or lots of other waiting couples. As I was about to hang up she said, "No wait, we have more to talk about". We do?

Another situation has come up. Again, we are just starting this one, and I don't feel comfortable blogging the details just yet. All I can say is that someone has narrowed her choice down to three letters...one of them ours. I can't believe how fast this is going! Not that we're there yet. But she did send us an email tonight, and we wrote back. OK I'll say it, we're freaking out over here!

And, Breathe...

First, wow, so many well wishes. I'm so grateful to have all you guys out there pulling for us! That's wonderful.

Second, you can relax, we officially terminated our short and sweet dialogue with this potential birthmom. I keep wanting to post details, but I'm not sure it's right. Suffice to say, we knew from the beginning this wasn't going anywhere but when you're doing this, you have to always think there is a chance this really is the one. So we played along for a few days, but after the last email from her, we wrote back wishing her well, but this isn't going to be a match.

We feel good about it, so don't worry about us. What we do know is the system works so far. Besides it's really only been a little over two weeks that we're on the books, so not too bad. Now we wait for the next contact.

If you do want to get excited though, you need to visit Mike and Michael, of which I'm a huge fan. They have some very good news over at their blog...very good! If you've never read their blog, it's a must read.

Wonder What's Up?

Hmm, I wish I could talk about our call, but I don't think I can yet...the situation is strange...we're both wondering if we're possibly being played...I don't know. Hopefully I'll be able to post something by the end of the week. Right now, there is still a possibility this is for real...and if it is, well, we still have some thinking to do.

Sorry for the mystery, but tune in later...

One Ringy Dingy

Something happened Monday as I was getting ready for work. We got our first call. I can't post any details on it now as we're still working through it.

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being a scam and 10 starting the college savings fund, right now I'll put this one at about a 3.

More to come...