Sunday, March 15, 2009

It's Just Emotion That's Taking Me Over...

Reminder...only 5 days left to enter the giveaway contest!

I thought of the title to this post and now I can't get that stupid Bee Gee's song out of my head. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so damn clever. Anyway, Kathryn asked me:

Are you guys ready for this? Are you completely panicking? Are you unbelievably excited??
Right now, I'm not sure how to answer that. Each day brings me something that I can't really quantify as far as emotions. There have been points in my life where I thought, gee, I could never be happier then this. But right now, I've never been higher on the happiness scale. I feel excited, anxious, nervous, happy...all at the same time. I find myself glancing towards the new mail icon on my toolbar every five seconds to see if we have an email from Lucy. I feel wonderfully confident when we correspond with her, then a sense of impending doom the next day because she hasn't messaged. I keep wondering how life is really going to change. I think it's finally settled on my shoulders, and as usual, the people behind that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach are...The Human Resources Department. Yes, HR. The ones who suck every last ounce of fun from everything. How is HR responsible for this you ask? Simple. I asked our HR benefits director a question on what I need to bring to California with me to make sure the baby can see a doctor while we are over there. I got the following response:
  1. Add your daughter on the benefits site. I have attached the user guide/link to the site.
  2. I will need a copy of the adoption paperwork before I can approve the addition of your daughter to your coverage

My daughter. There it is, in print. Wow. Cold chills went up and down my spine, my stomach knotted, and I felt like I might start sweating. The same feelings you must experience at a Celine Dion concert. Dread mixed with sobering reality. Daughter. It would have been so much easier if she was on the same page as me and just wrote Finster (Finsterella?).

So yesterday I hung up a new curtain rod and painted the closet doors in the baby's room. I thought, ha you're doing "Dad Stuff". I smiled. Then I thought gee what if I turn into my father? Not a bad thing, I smiled because my father is a great dad. Then I started thinking again about the other worry--once this happens, am I giving up my Gay Card?

I'm admittedly a little conceited. I'm always very sure I'm right. And whenever I look at how straight people do things, I think "Man I'm so glad we don't do that". I'm glad we're slowly getting our rights, but I don't want to be straight. It's not who I am. I have nothing against straight people, I just don't think gays need to give up their identities and be exactly like them. That's my problem with a lot of the organizations that supposedly represent me, like HRC or GLAAD. They confuse equality with conformity. I mean, I'm glad they are out there fighting the battles, but sometimes I feel like the message gets morphed from "We want to be accepted" to "We want to be just like you", and actually, not all of us do. So I conducted an experiment. Last night I finished up my baby room chores, then informed Gregg I was going out to the bar. I took a shower, got dressed, and headed out to Charlie's, one of the more popular gay watering holes. It was packed. Pulsing dance music. Crowds of hot men. A few fabulous drag queens. And me, wondering how long I have to stay here. Normally I like going out. But something changed. I had one beer, hung around the dance floor area, and kept thinking it's time to go. All I could think about was...my daughter. Well and my husband. And how I can't wait the two weeks for this to be reality. So I guess I did have a good time. I didn't stay long. I thought about all the times I've come here, about all the things in my life I've done so far. The dance clubs, Pride Festivals, cocktail parties, other unmentionables...and I thought, that was fun. I'm glad I did it. But you know what? I stood back and looked over the whole place as I was going to the front door, and I thought, I'll miss you Charlie's, but not as much as I thought I would. It's time to move on. To our daughter...

14 comments:

jaysinwantsu03 said...

It's amazing how much our live's have to change , and that identity that we held on to for so long is about to change.. For the better of course..I used to miss the bars and the fun associated with it all but I realized the ontent I feel when I step into my home and Thank God He's Blessed me So Much... I'm sending you guy'd Lot's of Love and Light... ANd We are keeping You Guy's in our Prayer's...

jaysinwantsu03 said...

It's amazing how much our live's have to change , and that identity that we held on to for so long is about to change.. For the better of course..I used to miss the bars and the fun associated with it all but I realized the content I feel when I step into my home and Thank God He's Blessed me So Much... I'm sending you guy'd Lot's of Love and Light... ANd We are keeping You Guy's in our Prayer's...

projectkjetil said...

Oh, what an exciting time!

You're making me cry, remembering the first few times I said "my daughter."

You're spot on about how much your identity will change, how watering holes that felt like second homes will suddenly become alien planets. If you're like me, you'll hardly ever miss them.

You'll just have so much parenting to do. So so excited for all of you!

s said...

you guys are going to love love LOVE this portion of your journey... and as a new mommy myself, i give you just the following advice- if you are using disposable diapers, use the ones with the wetness indicator lines!!! pampers sensitive swaddlers and huggies have them (that i am aware of). a few times i forgot to make sure that i got the right ones, and, well, diaper duty just wasn't the same without them ;-) i am sooooo happy for you :-)

Michael said...

You forgot overwhelmed. You probably feel overwhelmed with all the emotion, the activity, the anticipation. If you don't feel overwhelmed now, you will!

Michelle said...

Bobby, would you email me your mailing address? I would like to mail you some things that we are no longer using for YOUR DAUGHTER if you would accept.

My email is Nicksboo824@yahoo.com

Two Moms With A Plan said...

Having a baby changes everything! I love this post! Thank you for sharing!

Godwin said...

This post was great....very heartful and touching! Your sweet baby girl will be lucky to have you as parents.

Jen, the Yankee said...

Hey! I just came across your blog for the first time today - what an amazing first entry for me to read!! Congratulations! I don't even know you and I'm excited for you both. Looking forward to reading more!

Bella Daddy said...

Creating your family is the most amazing thing ever. You have an obvious gift, in your humour...believe me, you will retain it. Our little one loves her Daddy being the silliest thing ever ;-)

From you neighbors ;-)

Daddy, Papa & Bella

Tim and Louie said...

I wouldn't say that you are giving up your gay identity.

I think that gays becoming parents and getting married, etc. just means that we are growing up and maturing as our own community.

As I have read from numerous other gay fathers, they end up coming out of the closet MORE after becoming parents than before.

Because people will always be asking "where's mommy", "where's the wife", etc. Then that's your opportunity to educate people by coming out and teaching them about the "other" gay lifestyle, diapers, laundry, work, taxes, daycare, etc.

So, think of it as leaving the "single" life and not the "gay" life.

There's more to being gay than just bar hopping, as most of us know.

- Louie

Tim and Louie said...

Speaking of diapers. I'm thinking of trying out the "Diaper Free Baby" method. A natural approach to responding to babies' elimination needs.

They have a local chapter that meets near Waddell and Reems.

Here are some links:
http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/

Local YahooGroup: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/diaperfreebabyofarizona

Better for the environment.
Better for your wallet.
Better for your baby, according to those that practice this technique.

- Louie

Tim and Louie said...

Also, many (most) Gay Pride festivals now include Gay Families!!!

The one in Phoenix has it's own Kidspace/play area for the kids:

From www.PhoenixPride.org/
KIDSPACE (Children's Play Area)
KidSpace is open this year from 12:00pm - 6:00pm each day located near the Bistro Stage area. Various craft/creative activities, games and a rest area will be available for children from 4-10 years old. Each child must be accompanied by a parent or guardian at all times. (Please note that this is not a babysitting service.) Area will be managed by volunteers. This year kidSpace features Freckle Farm Pony Rides and Petting Zoo. Have your child’s picture taken with the ponies!

So, there are still MANY Gay related events that can cross over into the Gay Family Lifestyle!!!

- Louie

Tim and Louie said...

Also, there's an LGBT family group for those in the Phoenix metro area. Here is their Yahoo Group link:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/rainbowfences/

- Louie