Thursday, July 17, 2008

Cheering Myself Up -- With Cool Baby Gadgets

I'm so bummed today. Last night I called our local Arizona Adoption Agency, the one that is doing our home study. Our last visit was on June 6th, and so I called so see if they've heard anything back from the court. Well, they haven't even sent it to the court yet! Argh. Windsor wasn't there so I didn't' get to speak to her directly, but man, how long can this take? The court gave a deadline for everything to be submitted by September, so technically, it could be another six months before this is approved and we're finally on the books. It's just all so depressing.

To cheer myself up, I've created a list of Must Have Items for our new baby:
(Click on the names for more info on these wonderful products!)

The Baby Mop

What a great idea! We just had laminate flooring put into the den, and I hate cleaning it. I'm thinking baby spit dribbles out the mouth and removes spots as Finster crawls along. Turn him over, use an upholstery vacuum attachment on his belly, and send him on his way again. If the floor is really dirty we'll get him hopped up on caffeine first. With two dogs that shed a lot, this is better then a Roomba.

The Daddle

OK on second thought this one maybe isn't such a good idea. It will only come out when Grandpa or Uncle Dennis comes over to visit. There's actually something kind of creepy about this thing, and I think teaching Finster the best way to get what he wants is to give his daddies a good kick in the ribs might be a bad idea. Strapping a saddle to a grown man's back is too kinky for a toddler if you ask me. Head over to Rik's blog for that stuff. (Note to Finster: The safe word is "Daa Daa".)

Po-Knee

What a cute name. Saves your kid from the brain trauma the rest of us suffered while bouncing on someones shins. Still you'd look incredibly stupid using it.

The Snot Sucker

I think this one requires some practice. First, I'm sure Finster will enjoy having a plastic tube shoved up it's nose. Second, get too enthusiastic about clearing his sinus passages and you'll need some fresh mint mouthwash. Plus, what happens if you sneeze while using it. I suppose Finster will end up looking like one of the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live. But nothing's too good for our baby, so I'll let Gregg use it.

Baby Tattoos

We know Finster might get teased or bullied cause it has two dads, but if we cover its body with Baby Tattoos the other kids in pre-school will know our kid is a hardcore bad ass. They'll think twice about teasing Finster cause they'll know with all those tattoos they'll end up being the bitch. Teach him to carve a shiv out of a lego, he'll rule the playground.

Zacky Infant Pillow

What better way to know when Finster wakes up then to have a pair of disembodied hands scare the living shit out of it? Screams of terror can be heard all over the house, so we'll be alerted when Finster needs us. So what if it instills a fear of intimacy or watching the Addams Family, we'll be there for Finster when he shrieks.

Metallica Lullabies

This would be Gregg's choice. I'd rather hunt around for Cher Lullabies but oh well. I guess any baby raised by an interracial gay couple might as well be prepared for meeting Satan in the afterlife, so this will be a good introduction.

Bucktooth Pacifier

Yeah, we're totally getting this. Keep us up till all hours of the night? Poopy diaper changes for years? Lugging around tons of crap wherever we go? Sure we want to do that, but damn, doesn't this help to make it a little easier? Why wait to ruin his life when he's a teenager when we can start now. Life lesson #1: Sometimes Finster, people aren't laughing with you.

4 comments:

Kathryn said...

Oh that's too good! I don't even know where to start!

The Po-knee. I worked for a family that had one of these, only super expensive in leather (hmm, strange now that I'm thinking it over)... damn thing fell off your knee all the time and then you had the kid and this floppy leather pony falling all over the place.

The pacifiers. Damn straight skippy! Those things are hideous! (regular pacifiers, I mean) I think we should start an underground covert operation to sneak around to where kids are, you know, this big ones, the four and five year olds with pacifiers... we could quickly replace them with these buck-tooth ones when their parents weren't looking! It'd be awesome!

Oh, I'm so getting that baby mop one. With our dogs short but invisible fur it'll be perfect! (We have a vizsla.)

Oh, and the music... keep looking, I'm sure Cher is out there somewhere. Current listening where heather works is "Babies Go Madonna", "Babies Go Elvis" and "Babies Goes Beatles" really, no lie, Babies GOES Beatles... I think it's from a different country, so I guess that's it... cracks me up though.

Sorry to hear that paperwork bs is frustrating. Glad to see you can use laughter to make it feel better!

Two Moms With A Plan said...

Hilarious! Where did you find these?

Bobby said...

You'd be surprised what pops up when you use "The Google"!

Michael said...

I am bummed to hear that your agency has their head up their a*@! Hopefully, things will work out soon.

I will take one Snot Sucker!