Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The War on Terror

In this family, we don't negotiate with terrorists.

Or at least try not to.  It seems that at 2 years and 2 months, the battle is beginning to heat up.

False promises are made...

National Leader:  If I let you have one more cookie, will you stop crying?
Terrorist:  I promise!
National Leader:  OK, here you go.
Terrorist:  More cookie!  *Anger and Tears*

Secretive Tactics are used to gain the upper hand...

National Leader:  I want you to finish all your broccoli.
Terrorist:  Mmmmm, bwok-wii.
The nation drops is guard, but soon re-engages the enemy.
National Leader:  Ahh, good you've eaten it all.  You can get down from your chair now.
The terrorist smiles deceptively.  Released from captivity, she waits until she's almost out of sight to pull up her shirt and allow a mother lode of bwok-wii to spill to the floor, rewarding her canine minions...

Fierce battles are fought, with little to no territory gained on either side...

National Leader:  I just want to change your diaper!
Terrorist:  Nooooooooo!!!!!
National Leader:  I'm not kidding you better come over here right now!
Terrorist:  (throwing everything within reach off her bed onto the floor)  No!  No!  No!  Arrrrrggghhhh!
National Leader:  OK if you don't come over here right now I'm going to waterboard give you a spanking!
Terrorist:  (screaming and crying)  No way!  (Jumping up and down.)
A valiant battle is waged by both sides, and in the end, once the diaper is changed, both sides forget the whole thing.

If you're not with us, you're against us...

Allied Nation:  Sabrina do you want some ice cream?
National Leader:  Mom, you just gave her a cupcake.
Allied Nation:  I know but she likes ice cream.
Terrorist:  Eye Keem!  Eye Keem!  (Jumping up and down with glee.)
National Leader:  No, you're not having ice cream you still have frosting on your cheeks from the cupcake.
Allied Nation:  Oh just let her have a little.
National Leader:  She doesn't need it.  And how come we could never have cupcakes and ice cream when we were little?
Allied Nation:  (Lying through her teeth)  Oh you kids got everything you wanted.  (To Terrorist)  Chocolate or Strawberry?
Terrorist:  Yippie whoo hoo horray!*
National Leader:  Sigh.

* I have no idea where she got that from...

In the heat of battle, true loyalties emerge...

National Leader:  No, and you better stop screaming.
Terrorist:  No no no no!  (Starts banging her tricycle against the front door)
National Leader:  OK that's enough where do you think you're going?
Terrorist:  G'ama house!  (crying) G'ama house!
National Leader:  Good go to Grandma's house!  It's not so great I grew up there you know.  They're fooling you!  I don't know who those people are that replaced my parents but move in and everything changes.  Ice cream and cupcakes will disappear and you'll be doing dishes and vacuuming in no time with zero privacy... (trailing off into territory only a trained therapist is qualified to tread on...)
Terrorist:  (The terrorist has heard only two words, stops crying and says)  Eye Keem?
National Leader:  No, you're certainly not getting ice cream!
Terrorist:  (screaming louder than ever)  Arrrgh!  Eye Keem!  Eye Keem!
National Leader:  Ugh...

The war will be long, and there will be casualties.  Eventually justice will prevail.  But we must be ever vigilant.  Pick our battles wisely.  And above all, realize the scorched earth policy of the terrorist will leave no furniture undamaged, electronic devices soaked in apple juice, and car keys slipped into the kitchen trash can when no one is looking.  Yes it will be a battle for our very souls, and we will fight on, only giving up when we realize it will be the terrorist who will some day choose our nursing home...

The terrorist has won...


Crista said...

I wish I could write with half the wit you do. I'm afraid we are going to be in big trouble later on, because I have heard Mike whispering promises of a pony to our 2 month old if she will stop crying. I think we are up to about 8 ponies now. : )

Anne said...

Lol, when were you at my house??

Stacey said...

LMAO love this post. Our son is in this terrorist age too.

paradykes said...

We are entering this stage now with Emma and she's not even 2 yet, maybe she's a quick learning terrorist! We just decided last night that we are no longer taking her to restaurants that do not cater to children as we've given up trying to entertain her while we eat. We are destined to places like Chucke Cheese and CiCi's pizza.

Daddy Times Two said...

This is the fun part of parenting. Just wait until boys come knocking on you door. Then the parenting test really begins!

Anonymous said...

SUPER DUPER CUUUTE! This was hilarious and a little scary, although I am pretty sure this baby will not do any of those things... yeah right.

Kristin said...

Hmmm...perhaps the sleeper cell has awakened? We're getting some terrorist acts at our home too. If you figure out how to change the diaper of a screaming, wriggling child who throws any toy you've attempted to use as distraction, please, LET ME KNOW!

Thank you for reminding me we are not alone in this epic struggle...and for giving me a good laugh!

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

Hmmmm, might be something in this Mesa water???? We are heading this way at just 22 months and a VERY long international plane flight just weeks away. Got any good tips for heavy sedation for terrorists??? LOL

mommy3 said...

You have me almost in tears -- this was so funny and sadly, since I have one 5 y/o and 2 "former 5 y/os", so so true. Then, of course, they just become more experienced terrorists at every age with greater skills at sleuthing, manipulation, secret messages and selective hearing. The "national leaders", unfortunately (me, included), seem to always be outclassed and sometimes overwhelmed by their tactical maneuvers. Just when I *think* I might have them figured out and/or nailed. ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Lisa T. said...

You better just give her the ice cream... her Terrorist buddy lives down the hall from me and I've seen what happens if you don't!

Mike and Mike said...

uhmm...yeah, we are engaged in daily infractions...on two fronts.