Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Darkest Before the Dawn?

OK, the title of this post is a little dramatic. Maybe even over the top. But hey, I'm gay, I can be dramatic if I want to! But I have a reason. I've really not discussed the giant pot hole on the road to adoption that we could possibly hit. As you know, we are still waiting for our home study to be approved by the court here in Arizona. But I haven't addressed what happens if the home study is not approved. Well what if? If the judge denies our petition to adopt, we'll have to wait until next year and then start all over again. That's an entire year wasted. I guess if we were in our twenties I wouldn't care so much, but yesterday I turned 41 and Gregg is 42. Now being vain, gay, and well, gay, I have to say we of course look fabulous. However, I've been hoping to be daddies before 2010. Also, I just can't wait another whole year. Don't forget, once the home study is approved that just means we can start waiting to get contacted by a potential birth mother. So you could be looking at over a year or longer.

Today I called our Arizona social worker Windsor to see what was going on with the home study report. She said she's already turned it in to the court. However, two hitches. One, we've been assigned a new judge who Windsor knows nothing about. She was very familiar with the last one, but has no history with this one. So we have nothing to judge the judge with. (Is that a dangling participle, ending a sentence with "with"? I have no idea. Interesting though huh? OK not really.) So that starts stuff running through my mind. The biggest thing is, what if he's a Christian? If he is, we could be screwed. Funny how through this entire process the thing that I'm most worried about is what if someone we need along the way, someone who could either move this process along or stop it in its tracks, is a Christian thinking they are doing God's work and keeping a child out of the hands of heathens. If you're reading this and you're not gay, I'm sure you think this is a stretch. Well let me tell you it isn't. A judge can approve or deny a home study for any reason and that's final. There is nothing in Arizona law that says a gay person can't adopt a child, but the judge doesn't need a reason. Personal prejudice can be an unspoken reason to deny a home study as long as they don't say it is. (Another dangler? Dunno.) On this new judge we don't have a clue.

Second worry is that out of the five references we've asked friends and family to complete, only three have come back. Windsor says this is the only thing she's got as a concern (she's not worried about the judge thing, but then she isn't gay and has not seen the unspoken bigotry I have). I'm not going to say who didn't respond to our requests, but I will say I'm a little disappointed. We picked the five we thought would be the best ones. This is the most important thing we've ever asked friends/family to do and two of them blew it off. Maybe not, maybe not, I don't know. But I guess I expected a little more. Anyway, Windsor said we could just give her phone numbers and she could do interviews that way. So we'll inform those people and I guess do that. I've started thinking of backup references just in case.

So, your thoughts? Am I being totally gay about this, or do you think I should be worried? Gregg is telling me to just relax, everything is fine, but that's what boyfriends are supposed to do. What do you think? And feel free to tell me I'm being a fag about it if you think it fits, cause that will probably make me feel better. Just tell me the truth!


Heather said...

It's hard to say whether you are being dramatic or realistic. We've lived in a lot of places, one of which was Lynchburg, VA, and the prejudices people bring to the table can be extremely hurtful. It would be wonderful to say that you are just being silly, it's 2008 for heaven's sake, but I know very little about the type of judges you'd encounter in Arizona. Maybe you should move here. :)

(sorry, trying for distraction rather than a complete answer as I really don't know)

Rik Miller said...

i understand your concern Bobby, but you need to keep a positive outlook on things. I understand the fear of the unknown in this case, especially with a different judge. But, you need to keep pushing on and try for the best.