Back of the Future

"Daddy, why are you putting machines in our house?"
"I'm not putting machines in our house; this is the pump for your fish tank's filter and I'm cleaning it.".
"What does it do?"
"It cleans your fish tank."
"And does it protect us in case robots come?"
"Uh, yes, it cleans fish tanks and protects us from robots."
"OK great job Daddy!"

Instead of mundane tasks like cleaning fish tanks and preparing for the coming robot invasion, I should be spending this week helping my husband recover from his third back surgery in a dozen years.  The first two were related to disc herniation; this one will be for spinal stenosis.  Gregg has suffered from chronic back pain for years, and as much as he doesn't want to have this procedure done, it's really the only option left.  The surgery was originally scheduled for this past Friday, but was cancelled last minute due to blood pressure issues.  It will occur in the next two to three weeks as long as all goes well.  As much as we both wanted to get it over with, there are a few events that are happening this month Gregg really wanted to attend and now he'll get to do so. 

The first was Sabrina's "graduation" from Starfish to Seal at Swimming School.  She's really doing great there, and that makes us feel good.  As I wrote in one post a while back, Arizona has a terrible record for child drownings, and good swimming skills can be a life saver.

The second was a coming home party some friends hosting for the adoption of their second child.  She's a beautiful little girl, and we're so happy to see our friends complete their family.  Hopefully, we won't be far behind.  While Sabrina is used to swimming with us or her grandparents, this was the first time she was allowed to be in the pool by herself.  It was great to be able to sit there and watch her jump in and swim with her friend Kaitlyn, also four, and see them both put their skills to the test.  (Admission: I did take my phone out of my pocket just in case I needed to jump in.  I knew I wouldn't have to, but...)

So instead of a weekend of recovery, it was one of family and fun.  And not, thankfully, ruined by an invading army of robots.

Enjoying a robot free afternoon

Scamination

When it comes to our adoption website, we get many contacts but we get few contacts.  What I mean by that is there are three types of emails we've been getting: Legitimate contacts by women thinking of adoption for their unborn children, Scams where people are just wanting money, and scams from people who have nothing better to do then, well, scam.

We got this message from a woman named "Candy Cane":

hello there i am a young mother who has found that i can no longer take care of my baby girl and need help to find her a good home the only thing is she is 11 months old if you think you can help and if you would like maybe we can talk about me giving you a new baby as well email me back thank you and god bless
 

We don't even bother to respond to these types of messages anymore.  At first glance the first part doesn't seem so bad, until you get to the end and see that not only can she make your dream of being a parent come true right now with no waiting, but don't put that checkbook away there's more!  We can talk about another new baby as well.  Now I don't know if she just wants money or just to get people's hopes up, but we've seen this email about 20 times between both adoptions.  Think the "Nigerian Lottery" scam is annoying in your inbox?  We've gotten emails from Nigeria where they just change the words "lottery winnings" to "newborn baby".  We passed on helping two sets of orphaned twins get out of Russia with "little to no paperwork or hassle". 

We have spoken to a few people we think are legit; they didn't work out.  We are speaking to someone now, but it doesn't seem like it's really going anywhere.  That's OK.  When it happens it will happen.  If it doesn't, well we'll get through that as well.

Scammers are sometimes pretty good at what they do, and I've heard stories of people getting strung out by them for weeks or months.  In one case I know of they actually met and only found out later the woman was not even pregnant.  You have to be able to keep your guard up, and your heart locked away.

I think, just as the last time, when we connect with someone we'll know it's right somehow.  We'll know because we'll build a relationship, foster a committment, and if all goes right, expand our family and hers.  And we won't need to go to Nigeria or Russia. 

Just in case Russia is an option

Looking Before We Leap

We're close to being live on Project Baby, The Sequel.  Our letter is in the final proofing stage, and I'm pretty sure by the end of this week we'll be ready to go for the marketing stage.  I find myself once again looking at the landscape of America, and thinking...

1. Where will the baby winds blow this time?  In what part of the country will our little Finster be born?
2. Will we be able to adopt this baby?  The culture wars are heating up again and the Republican candidates are ramping up the anti gay marriage and adoption rhetoric. Rick Santorum hates gay people so much wears sweater vests in public.  It burns our eyes!

Point 2 requires extra consideration.  We live in Arizona, where the Tea Party and the Mormon Church have collided in the perfect storm of buffoonery, mean spirits, and sanctimonious bull shit.  Joint gay adoption is about as realistic here as Gov. Jan Brewer completing a grammatically correct full sentence.  Not going to happen.  With Sabrina's adoption, since she was born in California, we were able to finalize there and adopt jointly.  (California is full of everything Arizona hates, like college professors and Europeans.)  But we may not be so lucky this time around.  We've decided that legally, we have to be equal to our two children.  So we've decided to rule out any state that will not allow us to adopt jointly.  That narrows the list to about ten states and the District of Columbia.  It's pretty sad we have to cut our own home state off the list.  We understand that may extend our wait for a child by a considerable amount, but we're not willing to have two children with different legal status.  We'll see in the end how long the waiting game takes.  This is just another example of why adoption and marriage law should be standard across the country.  Hopefully, that day will come soon.

Also, Rick Santorum.

Once Again I Give You...

The new and improved GreggAndBobby.com!

Well we're almost there.  Our new "Dear Birth Mother" letter has been approved, as has our website.  I still have to create a secondary website that is part of our agency's main site, but I should have that done this weekend.  A Facebook page will be made as well, but that will come soon.  I've ordered a proof of the letter on card stock and had it sent to Los Angeles for the agency's review.  Once approved (again) I'll get the OK to order the bulk 300 or so copies.  So we should be live and marketable for our second adoptionwithin the next 2 weeks or so.  Finally!

Please take a look at our new site and feel free to leave some comments for me.  I've changed the link on the right side of the page to direct to our new letter or you can view that on Gregg and Bobby as well.  I'm looking forward to the wait and all the emotional baggage that comes with it.  Will it be a short, smooth 3 week ride as with Sabrina?  A year in the making?  A match with a drama queen who takes us on a roller coaster?  Who knows, but whatever it is, we'll see it through.

At least since this week the Catholic Church is reminding everyone that Jesus hates birth control, nine months from now the cabbage patch may be full...

It's Coming Together

Our birth mother letter PDF has been sent off to the adoption agency, all our paper work is finished.  With any luck, we'll be on the books for marketing and ready for the pitter patter of little feet in a week or so.  And by pitter patter I mean waiting.  But a good kind of waiting.

We've decided to lose our guest room and turn it into Sabrina's new room.  Her current room will be the nursery.  So there's some work to do with painting and redecorating, not to mention figuring out what to do with the guest room furniture.  Sabrina's room is still the neutral green color we painted it before she was born, so besides a little sprucing up it won't be too hard.  To help ease the transition, we're going to let her help paint (Lord help us) and set it up.  The last thing we'll do is have her carry the letters of her name out of her room and re-hang them over her new bed.  Hopefully that will give her some ownership.

Now to send some good vibes, a reading from the gospel of Dr. Suess, The Cat in the Hat, page 8, as told by the fish, who, we're constantly told, does not like the cat:

What Do Kids Know Anyway?

I got a text message from my sister today, out of the blue, which said,

"Hey Bob...I talked to the kids and we decided that you guys don't have to do gifts for them this year...We want you to put it towards the adoption."

I was moved by that.  Our nieces are 16 and 13, and our nephew is 10.  They really don't live that far away, but we don't always get to see them as often as we should.  They know adoption is complicated, and they know it's expensive.  They also know it's important to us that we complete our family, and they love their little cousin.  I called my sister this afternoon and told her to thank them, but we know when Santa stops here he'll drop off some stuff for the kids anyway.  That's just how he rolls.

This year, one of the things I'm thankful for (and proud of) is that I have kids like that in my family.

Groundhog Day

D.J. #1: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.
D.J. #2: It's coooold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?
--The Opening Radio Dialogue to "Groundhog Day".

And so we soldier on through the home study.  Finger prints, letters of reference, home visits, financial documentation, etc. etc.  Today we had our home visit and although we cleaned all weekend, it was sit down at the dining room table with coffee and danish while we chatted about how different everything is now that we are parents.  This is the sixth or seventh time we've talked to our social worker Windsor (she did our last home study and post placement visits), so it was all very relaxed and very familiar.  She even condensed our study down from two visits to just one.  (Well one visit with two payments!)  We've done all this before, know the players, and the process hasn't changed, so it's almost kind of a redo.  It's nice to have something that's somewhat relaxed in the otherwise stressful time that is adoption prep. 

I also called our main agency, the IAC, and told them we're ready to get the ball rolling on "re-upping" with them.  We know the ropes there too, so we hope to be ready, approved, and on the books by summer's end.  Right now the only difficult part is, well, paying for it.  Luckily we don't have to pay the entire thing up front, but handing over thousands of dollars a month for the next six months or so isn't going to be exactly child's play.  I'm sure we'll figure it out...Powerball anyone?

To prove we're Dr. Spock approved parents, I submit the following certificate.  Being voted class clown at 2 years old might be cute, but I'm not sure what the future holds on that one...we may end up regretting it!

2nd Time Around

Well here we go again.  We've started our home study for the second adoption.  Last week we went down to the local adoption agency and had our finger prints taken for the background checks, and Monday will be our home visit from our social worker.  We have the same person as last time, a very nice lady named Windsor, who you'll remember I did compare to a short Mrs. Doubtfire, but in the nicest way possible!  Gregg spoke with her on the phone the other day and she said she'll only need one visit.  I'm hoping she walks in, finds that the baby is still alive and doesn't live in a rabbit hutch, then tells us the home study is approved and it's off to the races.  Unfortunately, the reality is that after the visit we'll still need to file references (again), get medical clearances, wait for her report to be cleared by the court, and so on.  I am hoping the final approval takes three months or less.  Last time was around four, but now that we know the ropes I'm hoping to push the envelope.  The faster we get this part done, the closer we are to moving the entire process along.  We have not contacted our actual agency, the Independent Adoption Center, just yet to let them know we want to go for another round.  We'll do that sometime next week I suppose.  We're not looking forward to the mountain of paperwork and letter packet designing that is going to entail, but it's a necessary evil.

On a side note, Sabrina's wardrobe creation notwithstanding, we'll need to pick her out a better outfit then the one she put on herself.  It's fine if this was a Cindy Lauper concert, but I think we'll go for something a little more conservative.  (Did I just say that?  Errrr...)

A Weekend of 2's

We had two important milestones this weekend, both having to do with, well, two.

Those of you who have been with me for a while may remember a post from April 18, 2009. The day our lives changed forever, the day our sweet Sabrina was born. She officially turned two today, Saturday's party not withstanding, which means we've woken up for 730 days in a row believing today was the day we loved her the most and being wrong when we in fact somehow loved her more the next day, as impossible as that seems. She really did have a blast over these last three days, and enjoyed every minute of it. From the party on Saturday, to playing with all the new toys Sunday, and spending today riding the train at the Railroad Park with Daddy, she was laughing the whole way through. (The last few "one parent" days have been "Papa Days" as Gregg took off on times when I was out of town for work. So today I got to have a "Daddy Day" of my own!) 

Our other "two" milestone is that after the Railroad Park and a quick visit to Grandma's house, I met Gregg downtown at the adoption agency office to get fingerprinted and start the ball rolling on our home study for adoption number two.  Gregg has always wanted two children, while I had to come to terms with it.  I was happy in the "one and done" club.  But I know in the end, that's what's best for Sabrina and for our family.  Still, I come to this decision with mixed emotions.

Honestly, when Project Baby started back in March of 2008, as much as I wanted a child I thought we were about to give up a lot of money, a lot of time, and a lot of emotions, and in the end remain childless.  Call me pessimistic, but it kept nagging at me that "You're gay, this is Arizona, they're not going to allow you to have a child".  Of course, I had not yet been introduced to the Gay Parent "scene" at that point.  The journey has been fantastic, and I consider myself sort of an advocate for adoption in general and same sex parenting specifically.  Then the wonderful day two years ago when Sabrina came into the world.

That day, as joyous as it was, came as a bittersweet time.  For as in all adoptions, the happiness we gained as our family grew came at the cost of grief as a mother went home without her child.  Sometimes I still get stuck on that thought.  I know that one sentence is not really a fair statement as it has volumes of thought, emotion, and decision making propping it up.  The feelings of a mother considering what to do; weighing her options, being fair to her other children, loving her unborn baby.  Investigating avenues, reaching out and trusting strangers--almost blindly.  And finally--going home, leaving the hospital, but not with the child she carried for nine months.  If you've not experienced that day, signing a paper and becoming a parent, it teeters between pure joy and extreme sadness.  It affected me deeply.

We pushed gently on a mother who decided on no contact, happily reaching a point in the first few days where picture exchanges were permitted, and working up to a reunion visit ten months later when we were back in California to finalize the adoption in court.  Our email contact is sporadic; mostly me sending pictures back there, but I have to respect the comfort level.  It's possible there may be a trip out here to Arizona over the summer, so I'm hoping for that but have decided to stop pushing it.  (I noticed myself mentioning it in almost all of my emails.)

I've also become aware of an anti adoption movement on the Internet, made up of mostly (from what I can tell) people who were either adopted years ago before open adoption became the norm or birth mothers who were coerced back in those times to give up their babies due to societal or familial pressures.  This blog was targeted by those individuals who left hateful comments towards me and my family as profiting over the deeply personal loss of birth mothers by adult adoptees bitter about their circumstances.  I realized we were talking about circumstances from two different worlds, but I read some of those blogs, and it's hard not to be affected by what they say, even as I know their situations are so different from ours.

So I'm letting myself, carefully, allow the joy of another baby creep into my psyche.  I know that without a personal connection and trust of a future birth mother I will not be able to allow myself to feel comfortable about a match with her.  The good thing is Gregg and I both want to find someone as great as Sabrina's birth mom, so I know unless the understanding is there between the three of us we'll just keep searching.  I tend to have thick skin when it comes to myself, but get hung up thinking about the pain of others.  I'll have to remember why we're all doing what we're doing and making the decisions we're making as we move through the process.  When we make the connection that it's really about the child, I'll know it's right.

In the future I'll look deep into a newborn baby's eyes, know it's right and think, if this is so great for all involved, why did this kid just throw up all over my shoes?

Hamming it up with my new water and sand table from Grandpa and Grandma

Arizona Spring Surprise

While a good portion of the country is still encased in ice, April is spring time in Arizona and the signs are all around...

Flowers on the front yard hesperaloe

Cactus are starting to bloom

Tomatoes are starting to come in

Whatever this is has buds on it

Young men's fancy turns to babies once again

Yes, that picture is true.  Can you believe it?  Our exciting news is that we may soon have fresh tomatoes!

Also, we're starting the process to adopt our second child...