Jesus Wept

"Jesus Wept," -- Mike Huckabee, former governor and current sad faced person.

"Knock it off Homos!"--Mike Huckabee

While today was a day of celebration for a lot of the country as DOMA was defanged and Prop. 8 fell thanks to the Supremes (Diana Ross notwithstanding), there was also a great gnashing of teeth and general drama queenliness from our nutty friends on the right wing.  You'd think we changed the name of the country to the United States of Fabulous.  While Gregg might be counted in the camp that was disappointed in the outcome (he's now one step closer to fulfilling his proposal of 1997 to me, even if I have to drag him kicking and screaming down the aisle), I thought I'd take some time and give some space to those who aren't so happy on this historic day.

1. Mike Huckabee
   You'd think someone named after a cartoon hound dog would have more of a sense of humor.  He's informed us that when told of the verdict today, "Jesus Wept".  Well of course he did!  Tears of joy.  Because now if the Christs ever decide to settle down in that little place on the California beach I'm told they've had their eyes on, Jesus can rest assured that his two daddies will be able to receive all the federal benefits they are entitled to.  Ding dong, Do I hear wedding bells?
2. Catholic Bishops
   Cardinal Timothy Dolan lamented this tragic day for our nation, and that we don't know the difference between a man and a woman.  Well of course I know the difference, especially after that regrettable drunken night in 1992.  (Sadly, I'm not a gold star gay) Then again it's understandable that the Church is against marriage equality.  After all, Cardinal Dolan would have to make an honest woman out of Archbishop Cordileone, and (s)he's a terrible cook.
3. The National Organization for Marriage (NOM)The National Organization for Marriage, whose goal is to stop marriages (?), was deeply disappointed.  Use to gloating over victories and crushing the dreams of families for years now, they didn't quite know how to react.  “There is a stench coming from this case that has now stained the Supreme Court,” said Brian Brown, the organization’s President.  You just know he was thinking back to last Saturday night and, well, Santorum.
4. Glenn Beck and Rand Paul
   The Clown Prince of Teabaggery and Rand Paul's real hair joined forces today to denounce the marriage equality decision.  Glenn, as usual, is focused on the Muslim problem. "If I’m a devout Muslim, I come over here and I have three wives, who are you to say if I’m an American citizen that I can’t have multiple wives?”.  Who indeed?!  Beck didn't let the fact that this decision was about same sex marriage and has nothing to do with polygamy stop him, because, well, Muslims.  Rand Paul, taking a break from holding a flag on the top of Mount Rushmore, shook his head in agreement.  “People take it to one extension further — does it have to be humans?"  Oh SNAP!  Does it indeed!  At any rate, it would at least need to be something that could sign a marriage contract, like the Cowardly Lion (clearly gay) or that annoying map from Dora the Explorer.
5. Michele Bachmann (R-The Old Testament)
   The girl with kaleidoscope eyes chimed in with righteous indignation today as well.   “No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted”.  To which her butch husband Marcus shouted out "H to the E to the double L yeah!".  He then asked Michele not to wait up for him tonight as he'd be busy bringing Jesus to a homeless shelter called The Cockpit.

"Oh Michele, you send me!"

 

The more perfect union desired by our founders took one more step forward today.  I'm envious of my gay friends in states like California who are now enjoying all the benefits of marriage they deserve, but in a good way.  It looks as if marriage equality is not only here to stay but will be expanding very quickly.  For ourselves, our kids, and our humanity, I'm glad for that.  Now let's get to work!

 

 



Tar Heeled

I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the great state of North Carolina for narrowly preventing itself from being wiped off the map in a fit of biblical justice by today voting to ban same sex marriage.  By amending their constitution to define marriage as "one man one woman" they have successfully avoided God's wrath.  Hurricane season is due to start in a few months and would have been a convenient excuse for a good Ol' Testament ass whoopin'.  “Marriage remains an essential social institution which unites men and women to provide for the reproduction of the human race and to provide mothers and fathers for children," Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council smirked said.  Noting that children are never born to unmarried partners and without marriage they wouldn't have mothers or fathers, North Carolina voters have ensured the survival of the Human Race.

FRC Spokesmen Peter Sprigg (l) and Tony Perkins (r).

North Carolina has always followed biblical principles since being admitted to the Union in 1789 and settling into present day 1952.  Building a solid foundation using bible approved slave labor, the state is home to many historic sites such as Kitty Hawk where the Wright brothers made the first airplane flight.  They were proud of North Carolina right up until its citizens burned them as witches.  And who can forget their brave struggle for liberty and free labor in the War of Northern Aggression?

Raleigh, circa 1820.

This new amendment has far reaching effects.  By making marriage the only legal relationship qualifier in the state, it strips domestic partnerships from gay and straight couples alike.  Melissa and Libby are two moms in a domestic partnership with a 5 year old daughter.  The girl is covered under Libby's health insurance, but since she can not legally adopt her and that partnership is now void, that child may no longer be covered.  Many other families ("families" as the FRC calls them, always using scary quotes) will now be in a similar bind.  Besides the fact that current adoption laws in many states prevent a significant number of children from finding loving homes, marriage inequality ensures they are not adequately protected in numerous ways.  (I'll post about our recent failed second adoption soon.  I've been quiet about it but I'm ready now.)  But the main thing is discrimination apparently keeps Jesus happy.  As Pat Robertson rightly pointed out to the city of Orlando, uppity homosexuals mocking God by going to Disney World during Gay Pride is flirting with disaster:

"I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."

Imagine a place where men prance through the streets in tights and people in outlandish costumes flaunt garish makeup.  And that's Disney before the gays even get there!  If a city can be destroyed by one day of Gay Pride, think of what would happen if the gays got married!

Notorious gay marrying dinosaurs meet their doom.

Now, sidestepping the fact that God is a single father who runs a successful publishing company (#1 best seller of all time whoot whoot!), he still makes time to get into politics.  And that's why we love America, because even though we have a constitution that never mentions marriage or gays at all, we always have the bible to fill in the gaps.  Tonight North Carolina makes us proud to live in a country where all men are created equal (wink wink) and the ancient Israelites would be happy to call home.

Dyke free since 2012!

*If I didn't write this post, I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.  Writing is a good outlet for anger, and I'm so stinking mad right now I had to have a release.  Yeah, it's a bit snarky.  All I know is we have a little girl who deserves to be as protected by her government as the kids next door, and right now she isn't.  We may both be her legal parents, but our family falls short legally in too many other ways to make us comfortable.